Leap

 

I consider myself not a spontaneous person. I like taking calculated risks, squeezing and weighing each possible pros and cons in each and every possible angle first till my brain goes into self-inflicted hemorrhage and well that’s when I take it as a sign to make that final decision already. It’s my personal definition of “living life without regrets“. I usually if not always have a plan. Know what, I’m the type of person that needs a plan to function well. Otherwise I’d feel frustrated, stressed out and have no sense of control.

What I do have a tended streak of though is to act impulsive. In shopping, my mom would be in complete awe of me when the mall would close in ten minutes and I’d still get to snag a couple of clothing items–most of which I’ve even fitted in the dressing room. Booyah!

I’m not fond of crazy (at least in my mind) outdoor activities such as diving off a mini-cliff inside a bat cave (with a water-filled catch basin of course), but during that one time where a group of us did, I found myself waving the offensive bird unto the wind and jumped my ass off. No inhibitions, no what ifs, just jumped in with a full-on blank state of mind. I didn’t want to think anymore or delved myself into tiny details, I simply did. The memory of it was exhilarating. It was awesome. I felt like a badass adrenaline junkie for like five seconds. Up top!

If you know me well enough you’d know that I tend to be really uptight when it comes to matters of decision-making, but there comes those certain exceptional instances wherein my brain would reach overdrive due to worry and stress and I’d just find myself saying, “F*ck it, whatever” and jump into doing stuff without thinking. And you know what? Most of these “stuff” I did impulsively turn out to be the most memorable ones I had so far in life. Granted that not all of these impulsiveness turn out to have positive results, but they end up being the most interesting anecdotes to share–a proof that life has been well lived.

To Be Heard

 

For us to be heard, to be understood, to be believed in, I think it’s important to be able to speak our minds. As kids we are often told or given the permission when to speak. We either raise our hands or be scolded quiet when we got too noisy and hyper from feasting over our classmate’s sugary snack or from the kiddie adrenaline rush of running around the playground.

As adolescents having a newfound experience with passion often misunderstood as angst, we practically feel as if we have the license to speak whatever and whenever we wanted with hardly any filter. Every emotion we feel is as if all new to us, completely raw and amplified times ten and sometimes it could be so overwhelming we think no one gets us. Hey, we all have that you-know-what-I-mean emo phase, no point denying it really.

But as adults, ironically, what we learn is to when to stop speaking or simply to remain silent. You know you’re getting older when it’s now you who’s saying when to choose your own battles instead of hearing it from someone else, perhaps that someone being a certain mom or dad. You learn that sometimes even if what is on your mind is what you strongly believe is right or perhaps iswhat is actually right, you choose to remain silent. Perhaps it could be a form of pause, letting the sound of nothing linger as if to create more drama or anticipation before you chose to speak again or maybe it’s for the reason that sometimes it’s better to bite your tongue. To know when and when not to speak.

As kids we needed restraint from someone, as adolescents we reject the idea of restraint and as adults I guess it’s about knowing the right time or the right moment yourself.

Give, Give, Give

Give, give, give.

But giving never comes without expectations. It’s never on purpose, you don’t give thinking “I want XYZ in return” (some people do, but that’s beside the point). But when you give, you have faith in that person, and faith in itself is an expectation, no?

I will lose myself in order to find a smile, a solution for the people I love. No expectations. That’s what I thought. I had faith in them. Faith that they wouldn’t leave me standing when I needed a wall to keep me up. When I went to look for that wall all I found was rubble, leaving me let down and alone.

Conclusion = Subconscious Expections

Today I lost that faith.

In the past year, I feel like I have given all that I could give to my friendships, stood up when I could barely stand myself, gave them my shoulder when I needed one for my own tears, threw my work out the window to give them time when I had no time to give. Now, I feel as though I stand alone in a sea of rubble.

When you give everything, do you give too much?

Now, I feel as though there is no reason to keep faith in friends. Should there be?

 

Stand alone, and the only person who’ll let you down is yourself. Stand in an army, and your life is in their hands.

One by one, the walls that I felt protected me, left me vulnerable. Everyone started to think of themselves, for themselves and forgot what lay in our friendship. They soon put that faith into another relationship, into another person. Here, leaving me without a voice.

Don’t ever forget your voice.

Those who speak, receive. Those who are silent, suffer slowly.

I don’t want to lose faith in people. But is too late?

Have I given so much, that I have left myself no self respect?

Time To Let Go

Sometimes you let go of that one person you actually want… Because holding onto them meant losing yourself… Every grip you gave a piece of you is left on a sidewalk abandoned… By the time you’ve realized, you’re far too ahead to pick those pieces up… And so you feel lost… And confused… You feel as if you’re a stranger living in your body invading your own space and mind… Searching for a soul that no longer seems familiar… So you blame those that never stopped you from holding on… Instead of blaming the one person that let you hold on… That dragged you for far too long… The person that never bother looking back at you… That never saw your worth… Never realized you always had there back… That person lives inside of you… That person is you… Because the truth is we are all responsible for our own feelings… Sometimes you let go of that one person you actually want… Because holding onto them meant losing yourself… But the truth is… You don’t lose yourself… You find the stronger you, you never knew existed…

Rolling The Dice

I think I’m only beginning to understand how hard second chances are to come by. How lucky you are if you manage to get them and how no one should ever take them for granted. I mean, no one ever wants or imagine themselves being in that place where they would need that second chance. We all have this arrogance or confidence that we won’t mess up our first chance with anything or anyone. That we would never take or granted and mess up with someone or something that so important to us that we would want it back.

But truthfully, we mess up a lot. We hurt those that mean the world to us, don’t find the courage to do the things we know we should of done, and let go of things without thinking it through. And whether we just realize how much something means to us the moment we lose it or it just hits us a bit to late of its importance, a lot of us will find ourselves in a situation where we would want nothing more for that second chance…that redo…to start all over to finally make things right and never again let go of what we once lost.

We can all argue that everyone deserves a second chance, but life just doesn’t work that way all the time. And that second chance is usually up to another person or just pure luck to have another opportunity of something. It’s something that we can beg and yearn for but can be completely out of our control. So make the most of that first chance so you don’t end up regretting it. However, if you do mess up and you get that second chance, never forget how lucky you are to have gotten it and make it count.

Don’t Be Cynical

It’s easy to grow cynical of love, to be hesitant of it’s existence, and to grow doubtful to ever experience a feeling that you have been yearning and searching for in what seems like forever. With time, we are witnesses to people who should be in love, fighting until hatred consumes their heart. We are left wondering why people break up and divorce is an necessity till they become strangers again. And we experience the anguish, hopelessness, and disbelief that is involved when your heart is broken into two as someone takes a piece of you that you fear will never be returned.

At these dark moments when you’re finally about to throw the white flag into the air to signal your readiness to give up in believing in love, just look around the world and it’s almost certain that you’ll find two people who are undeniably in love. You’ll discover people looking into each others eyes so deeply, that in you’re heart you know that two souls are sharing a conversation only understood by them. You’ll hear people talk about someone they love as a smile that only exists for one person forms upon their face while their mind wanders off to a world where they can smell, feel, and be with the person their heart is beating for. And you’ll see an attraction between two people that you once thought only existed in the pages of novels, the screens of movies, and in the happily ever afters of fairy tales.

When you’re able to see that right in front of you, you’ll want to continue your search for love no matter how difficult and gruelling the journey maybe. Because something in you will realize love truly exists in this imperfect world, and wherever it maybe for you, it’s worth looking for to experience even second of what can only be described as magically. That it’s worth it to believe in love.

I Got These Scars

My heart keeps looking for parts of you in everyone else…

Trying to feel whole again…

Your bed smells like the last thing I was really good at…

You want to know how I got these scars???

I swallowed my pride and it clawed its way out of my mouth…

If I could I would tie your arms to a daydream and then auction you off to my fondest memories…

See I wrote this poem on the backbone of a white flag so before you read it you’ll already know that I’ve given up…

You cracked hour glass with sand spilling from behind your ribs, you wasted my time…

How dare you linger on my lips and then kiss me like a stuttering apology with excuses stapled to the roof of your mouth…

I still remember you like a dream tattooed to the inner walls of a long term memory but some days I wonder if you existed at all…

You want to know how I got these scars???

I’ll tell you… I got these scars the day I fell in love with you…

I landed face first…

Life is Beautiful

Nothing is more amazing than a smile that has struggled though tears

Keep your head up and your heart strong! 

“Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it”

Keep smiling no matter what is the motto of the day.

Easy, easy, easy to say but too hard to do everyday. Try at least.

Nothing is forever, when you’re sad just remember that happiness will hit you too someday, hug the hope and wait for your time, when it comes, remember that it won’t last forever either so just live it up, enjoy every second of it.

While you  wait for the best time of your life just remember to taste every opportunity that seems to lead to happiness, even if you’re scared that it won’t, even f you don’t want to get hurt, you’ll regret more if you don’t try.

Whenever you feel betrayed, sad, useless, not good enough just think that you are meant to be a strong person and you weren’t made for an easy life with medium achievements. No, you’re supposed to be a leader, a person that weaker people look up to. Don’t look for less. Always think that you can do better than you did before. Always ask yourself for more, don’t settle down when a little happiness shows up at your door, you can have more, you can have it all but only if you work harder. No pain, no game, right?

I don’t think that haters are useless, I don’t think that you should ignore them. Maybe it’s the wrong way to think, I don’t know. But maybe they have a reason to hate, maybe along the way you really did something “hateble” or maybe not. But I think that they point out your flaws and you should learn from it, don’t be sad because they exist, they are more sad than you are because they don’t even see their defects and they don’t have a beautiful life like you have, they don’t posses your strength or your skills, they just watch you from afar and comment.

So don’t be sad if you didn’t reach your goal yet, your life is not ending right now, you still have time….. also don’t forget to enjoy every moment of this amazing journey called “LIFE”, if you can’t be the best, at least you’ll be happy because you tried, you have to!!

Imperfectly Perfect

I would be lying if I said that there wasn’t a time in my life when I imagined the perfect relationships mirrored the ones found in movies, shows, and novels. Where every date was an adventure that turned in to an unforgettable memory, where the right words were spoken every single time, and where everything in the end always worked out so smoothly.

But reality is, that life is much more than just movies, shows, and novels. We learn that chances are, we won’t have that relationship that Hollywood has made famous. More often than not, the right words will be hard to come by during an argument and won’t be ending with a kiss in the rain. That dates won’t be as well planned out but may be just as simple as dinner or watching a movie on a couch. And solutions to problems won’t always be so easy to find, but something you have to work hard at.

In the end, you realize that you have something that no fictional tale can replicate. You realize you have someone who cares and loves you. It’s a feeling within that lets you feel so happy that a smile that is only caused by one person is formed upon your face. And looking forward to the future becomes so much easier because you hope that you have that one person by your side no matter how it turns out. You have something imperfectly perfect.

Love

Love like you have never been hurt.

So simple, yet full of so much depth.

In my world there is crazy love and forever love. Crazy love is full of passion, romance and dance! Where you give every last inch of yourself, and dive heart first into the relationship. It’s dangerous with a warning label saying : risk of intense pain!

Its youthful love. Innocent love. Without inhibitions love.

The kind of love you find in disney films and bollywood movies. Where when your eyes lock a dream sequence of rolling mountains and sari’s flying in the air begin to unfold before you, and what you think is imagination somehow becomes reality!

Then.. if you let it simmer down, you find at it’s core; the forever love. Patiently waiting for you to burn through its outer layers and find it. Sometimes you come across a rock, or a wall, or even the greatest wall of them all, but slowly slowly you work past it, climb over it, bomb it down, dig a tunnel under it and finally you get your sweet reward. Kind of like the gooey chocolate in the middle of a cadbury’s eclair! (yum!!)

I think most people get half way up the wall and then get tired and give up, forgetting what lies beyond it. Some say the grass is greener on the other side, I agree but it’s not the other side that makes the grass greener, its the journey that does!

So keep climbing, keep digging, keep throwing random stuff at it and knock that damn thing down, because forever love is the best that can be found! Better than a share that never goes down, better then the most lush pair of heels, and better than the sweetest, creamiest chocolate!

In my head forever love is patient, it is kind, it is full of little moments that can be easily ignored by an amateur eye. Its the petty arguments lapped with care and affection, and its the old couple sitting on the bench in the park in silence, but sitting together still.