Damaged Heart

You may be capable of forgiving, but the forgetting part is out of your hands. Forgiveness is nothing to scoff at though, it takes a hell of a person with a mighty generous heart to experience some type of traumatizing betrayal and accept an apology. And people can be ruthless, so it’s not a given that you’ll even receive an apology at all. It forces us to deal with the wrongdoings internally before we can move on with life. Still — as difficult as forgiving may be, it’s ultimately up to you. The forgetting however, is not.

People seem less and less thoughtful about their actions. A moment of pleasure is constantly being chosen over potential years of reliability and happiness. Then, when the flash of indulgence is over, consideration for what has been done begins. People may start to feel bad; others may just feel scared that the truth will come out. For some it will take being caught to find out, for others, their conscious forces them to confess, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

So whatever happened is now carved into your brain. It has left an unpleasantly deep wound that hurts regardless or apologies, excuses or explanations. You’re officially damaged and what people fail to realize is that it’s permanent. Playing with emotions, cheating, screwing people over, breaking trust – these things are taken lightly nowadays, and I can’t fathomwhy. When you do any of those things to a person, you are leaving them emotionally disabled for some time. We rehabilitate and when we do eventually “get over” things, all that means is that we’ve figured out a way to walk without each step hurting. But we’re well aware that if we walk a certain way, it might tweak the previous injury. Or even worse, tear the same wound wide open.

The lasting effects are simply inevitable.  You’ve learned to get along pain free because you walk with a limp to remain comfortable — and after so long, you make a habit of it. It’s second nature to get by the way you get by, until someone comes along and makes you consider trying that old method. The technique that broke you in the first place.

It can be hard, especially if the person trying to sweep you off your feet is doing everything so freakin’ perfect. It’d almost be better if they’d just mess up or show some awful red flag so we can get out of being vulnerable early on. Happiness with a person is too good to be true — it’s unfathomable that a person is genuinely concerned over you and has no ulterior motives that’ll cut you down eventually. That’s when we realize the extend of the previous damage, and just how broken we are. At times, a previously shattered heart has absolutely no idea how to respond to genuine care and affection, which is truly unfortunate. The person or people from the past who’ve hurt you still linger, even long after they’re gone.

One time is all it takes. Once you’ve been damaged, you don’t fully recover, so much as you teach yourself to cope. The wounds are there, the lessons are learned, the memories are engraved, and you’ve got to decide if you want to do it all over again – or if you’re even capable of that. A damaged heart is tentative and that’s got to be clear to anyone seeking to win you over. On your own time, as you’re ready, you’ll have to drop the crutches, dip your toes in to test the waters, and, when the time is right, love hard as you loved before.

My Bed

As a child, all you can really do is dream. You dream of touching the stars, digging to China, and finding the cure to cancer. As a young child, you’re allowed to do a lot more than you are when you grow up. You can play in the rain naked without being arrested for Public Nudity. You can doodle in class and get an A+ instead of an F. If you show up late because you slept too late, it’s ok, the playdate will just go a little later than usual. But now we’re grown up. I can’t show up late to my appointments, doodle on my paperwork, and for the sake of those around me-I promise to keep my clothes on in public. Things stop being cute and innocent, and they become serious. The only things we have to hold on to from our childhood are our dreams.

Dreams begin when you close your eyes, and let your mind wander. Your bed welcomes you into a comforting state of sleep where you lay peacefully. Your dreams grow wilder and wilder as the days go on. They transform from rainbows and unicorns to events you wish could happen, or to that perfect someone you just can’t get off your mind. Your dreams even begin to turn on you and stress you out-because even your dreams grow up. You wake up in the morning and ponder about the crazy happenings of your mind. You start the day right where you ended it-in your bed.

Your bed is the treasure chest of your deepest secrets. It is the safe haven that will welcome you home every night, and wait patiently for you to return later that evening. It holds every wish you’ve made on a star, every tear you’ve shed before falling asleep, and every dream that you’ve dared to dream.

So, why would I ever let you intrude on this? Why should I welcome you into the most vulnerable place of my home, of my heart? This bed wasn’t meant for you to sleep in, these sheets haven’t blanketed your body before. In fact, my mind hasn’t welcomed you into the deepest pits of its thoughts. My heart has not given you the key to my treasure chest where my childhood runs ramped with unicorns and rainbows, all of which is stored safely in the comforts of my bed.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned when it comes to my strong belief in waiting till marriage, but look at my small, twin-sized bed. For now, I am too young to share this bed with you. It was designed to protect me, and only me. When I’m older and I have met someone who understands this, he will wrap me in white and gold. My father will pass me off into his hands, and he will carry me over the threshold of my new home. He will lay me down into a new bed, one meant to cherish the responsibility of two hearts’ dreams. And in this bed, new dreams will form and new treasures will be stored. This bed will be grown up, more mature than my twin-sized bed. It will be able to welcome both of us home, and it will be able to warm both of us effortlessly on even the coldest of nights. This bed will protect both of us, while my twin-sized bed will move on to another little girl whose dreams still chase after the stars, dig to China, and find the cure to cancer.

Sanctification

You were worse than hearing that song they play twenty times in an hour on the radio. You echoed too loudly in the back of my head. Your insults cut deep into my throat, drowning me in a pool of lies and deceit. I choked on your stench; it’s intoxicating. I would give anything to erase all of our memories, and I would die to be able to move on from our past.

There was once a time where I loved hearing your laugh. It would brighten even the darkest of days. Your eyes would glitter with a playful light, and I couldn’t refuse your incessant demands for my attention. I found comfort in your touch, even though your skin was powdered with poison. I was so lost in the euphoria of our relationship that I couldn’t see even the most blatant red flags. You had me fooled- we were going to fall madly in love until the ends of time. You were going to support our family, and we would live happily ever after. But all good things come to an end, and all evil things can disguise themselves as innocent.

I took one step towards you, glass shards littering the path. My hands were stretched out as far as they could go, desperately trying to reach you. My feet were pierced and bleeding, my tears falling rapidly and mixing with the blood. My heart was broken, but I was too stubborn to understand that I had asked for this all along. You turned your back on me, “Maybe later…”, you shrugged. I was little more than the earth beneath your feet. You walked away as easily as you had shattered my glass heart. I was left standing in my ruins, to clean up the mess you left behind. Some dared to come and try to help me clean up…but I was terrified that their feet and hands would soon be pierced by the glass as well. I would push them far away, causing more glass to grip the bottom of my feet in an effort to protect those who came close. The glass gave this terrible glow, making me look so enticing and inviting, like an angel sent from the heavens. From a distance, you couldn’t tell that I was engulfed with pain.

Day in and day out, I suffered a terrible loneliness, just wanting the comfort of something familiar. I would look up at the skies from my glass prison and scream to the clouds. “You abandoned me!” I yelled repeatedly, whoever was up there was bound to hear me. A loud thunder responded, raindrops falling heavily on my shoulders. “You were never here to begin with!” I growled, stomping my feet down on the glass, the sting was so familiar that I was practically numb. The thunder continued and a crack of lightening torched the sky. The clouds meshed into one another, forming a heavy mass above my head. I glared into the rain; this was surely what I deserved. I was going to drown myself in storms of sorrows. I picked up a piece of glass, it glistened in the rain. My reflection stared aimlessly back at me.

For the first time, I looked into the eyes of someone hurting. They were desperate for sanctification. Their blue tint was shadowed with pain and desperation. Tears streamed from their tear ducts, flooding the reflection. I glanced back up at the sky, lightening now danced from cloud to cloud.

“What do you want from me…” I pleaded, falling to my knees. A gust of wind blew my hair backwards. It was powerful, yet warm and encouraging. The rain began to let up, eventually becoming a drizzle. A light descended from the sky, and I cowered in fear. I covered my eyes for the glow was too bright for my human eyes. I could still hear the thunder, but it was muted. The light wrapped itself around my body, warming the insides of my bones. I jumped to my feet, and yelped when there was no stinging. The glass had disappeared, in fact there was not a trace of it to be seen! My scars were gone and the stains of blood were washed away. The light danced around me, filling me with complete jubilee. I chased it up and down mountains, through puddles and oceans, never satisfied with the little tastes I would receive. I could tell I had found Love, I had found Safety, and I had found Forgiveness. It was warm and renewing, faithful and protective of my soul. I was so caught up in the beauty of my new life, I hadn’t even noticed I had been given a new heart- one that wouldn’t shatter, one that wouldn’t crack and break.

And the light whispered to me “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” 

His Princess

Yes. I chose to be happy. With whom? With you! Yes. You. Because you are the only one who knows me so well. Just you know how to make me smile, how to make me laugh and how to get over bad times. And I am so thankful for that! I cherish every moment with you and i enjoy every second! I love when you look at me with that kind look, when i lay in your arms and you kiss me… gentle, and you make me feel so SPECIAL. YES! That`s the word! You make me feel like I`m so important to you! You treat me like nobody else and you give me wings to fly! You give me stability and healty living. Because I`m so fine, I take care about people from my life, to be happy as I am.

Thank you for loving me! You are the best thing from my life! Our story begins with “Once upon a time” and ends with “…and they lived happily ever after!” Thank you for treating me like a princess!

 

Of This I’m Sure

You are not a bad person for hurting other people. Everybody hurts.

Build your karma so it can afford to take a hit every so often.

Never say never.

Tell your mother you love her.

Be honest with men, even if it is embarrassing, even if you have to be vulnerable out of your comfort zone, even if it takes tequila and red wine to get it out of you.

Tequila confessions still count.

Bone crushing hugs are the best kind.

No one else notices the three pounds.

Love your girlfriends, in spite of their flaws. You will need them to love you in spite of yours someday soon.

Etta James and Ray Charles know everything.

When you say, “don’t tell anyone,” they will tell at least someone.

Your friends’ opinions matter, but so do yours. It is your life to live, after all.

It is okay to fall in love fast, and fall out of it even faster. It just means you are passionate.

Listening to the same song on repeat does not hurt the other songs’ feelings. Go for it.

The written word is not a lesser way of communicating what you need. Some people can’t speak as well as they write.

Nobody likes cover letters.

Sometimes, the cover really is better than the original.

It is okay to disagree with your friends, it will only build your respect for one another.

The most eloquently stated opinion is not necessarily the best one. Don’t let others’ intelligence intimidate you.

Thank your mother.

It is more than okay to not know. Anything.

There is always someone better at what you do. Fuck ’em, your talent can still be recognized.

Girlfriends will always, always break your heart more than boyfriends.

You do not have to turn your frown upside down if you do not feel like smiling.

Read others’ words. They build yours.

Never, ever, ever stop believing something you believe in because someone else asks you to stop.

Drink the damn glass of wine.

Small talk isn’t all that important anyway.

Sometimes, it is okay to baby a sad man’s insecurities.

It is okay to know that you need a lot of attention.

It is okay to want to be held.

It is okay to cry, even in front of people.

You do not have to be an animal person.

You do not have to be a people person, either.

Participate in conversation, without your cell phone sitting on the table face-up. At the end of your life, do you want to remember talking to your friends, or checking your facebook while they were talking to you?

The ones who you can call in the middle of the night are the good ones.

There are eight different definitions for the word “family” in the English language. Sharing common ancestry does not have to mean a thing. When you are old enough to decide, you can choose your own family. Your aunt can just be your mother’s sister. Your cousins can just be people you grew up with.

Do what your brother asks of you.

At the end of the day you truly are a gem, baby girl.

Tormented

We are the tormentors of ourselves…. We are in emotional pain on our own accord… We cry because we struck the first blow… We die cuz we never learned to let go… Teasing and taunting our hearts get a beat… ‘Just leave’ a message that never gets to our feet… Loving from afar while watching love grown… That will always be harder than you will know… Saying I’ve survived another disappointment, does compare to the lack of joy you’ve felt. Heart break is a universal term… But it’s something that you just can’t warn… Laying here looking at you look for her… You say your happy… I wouldn’t concur… Satisfied might… Ring true… But joy surrealism excitement… These just wont do… To describe your fake smile and insincere hug… Miles away is where your heart now lays… Hurt yet again cuz she only loved you like a friend…. Sadly near the brunt on the weight, heading once more for the exit gate… This just hurts, all too well… What is love? I just can’t tell

What is Love?

We are the tormentors of ourselves…. We are in emotional pain on our own accord… We cry because we struck the first blow… We die because we never learned to let go… Teasing and taunting our hearts get a beat… ‘Just leave’ a message that never gets to our feet… Loving from afar while watching love grown… That will always be harder than you will know… Saying I’ve survived another disappointment, does compare to the lack of joy you’ve felt. Heart break is a universal term… But it’s something that you just can’t warn… Laying here looking at you look for her… You say your happy… I wouldn’t concur… Satisfied might… Ring true… But joy surrealism excitement… These just won’t do… To describe your fake smile and insincere hug… Miles away is where your heart now lays… Hurt yet again because she only loved you like a friend…. Sadly near the brunt on the weight, heading once more for the exit gate… This just hurts, all too well… What is love? I just can’t tell…

Letter To My Boyfriend

When we first met, I honestly had no idea that you would be this important to me. I really hope I’m good enough for you; at times I feel otherwise. This has been a recent feeling. . that honestly petrifies me. I begin to think that you’ll find somebody else who is “sufficient”. Someone who can give you everything and anything your heart desires, someone much better than I. Maybe I’m scared to lose you because you mean more to me than any other person. You seriously are everything I think about, & everything I want. .

I’m sorry I constantly want to speak to you, but can’t. I’m sorry that when you take a long time to write back, I get upset. I’m sorry I have a short temper, I’m working on it. I’m sorry I annoy you, I sincerely don’t mean to. I’m sorry if I’m not a perfect partner, but even perfection has its flaws. I’m sorry if I say things that stress you out or make you mad, that’s the last thing I’d like to do. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as badly as I’d like to speak to you. I’m sorry that we have opposing thoughts on how couples should act. I’m sorry if I think about you all the time and you don’t think much about me. I’m sorry I say hurtful things when I’m not at my highest peak. Saying sorry won’t fix much, but acknowledging my problems will. When I write things out I think more clearly about the situation. & I realize what exactly I can do to grow and contribute in fixing my issues. But in the end I just want somebody who I can open up to and be myself without feeling uncomfortable. I’m a complete and utter mess, so I just want someone who actually understands me & won’t mind my random rants. I want someone who treats me like I’m special even though we both know I’m not. To tell you the truth, I don’t have much to offer you. But I still will give you everything I have, even if it’s hardly anything at all to you. I will give you: loyalty, laughter, honesty, long hugs, back rubs, my point of view, support, a good conversation, a hand to hold, someone who will always be there to listen, but most importantly LOVE. & if that’s not enough, just keep in mind you’ve got all of me. I just hope that’s enough to keep you around.

I, at times wonder if you ever think of me, if you ever miss me. I shouldn’t have to ask you, & I shouldn’t have to wonder. You’re my boyfriend, you’re not just some random guy I kiss and fantasize about all hours of the day. A girlfriend should never be left feeling like this and having these thoughts. It just sucks to feel unwanted by the persons attention you seek the most. . the man I love. . you baby. & I know you’re busy. I honestly understand . . but sometimes I just don’t know what you see in me, nonetheless I’m glad you see something. I’d just like you to demonstrate it more often, just like I put in effort each day to prove to you that you’re worth it. For the first time, I’ve found someone I dislike leaving, someone that I can’t get enough of. But the overwhelming feeling that “it can all be gone in just mere seconds” is horrible without the recognition of my partner. Motivating me and telling me otherwise. I hate the idea of anyone else having you. .

We had this entire conversation. You told me you would try to work this out. & I’ve seen very minimal effort. ( Thank you so much for the effort that you have put into this. I really do appreciate it. ) My thing is just that, I never leave you wondering if I miss you. I never leave you wondering how much I love you. . Now where is that mutual compassion and understanding from you?

Right now, the only thing I’m certain about is that I love you. & I doubt that’s enough for you at the moment. . I’m just afraid that one day you will wake up and just say “I can do much better than her”. . but I promise you, as long as you’re trying, I’m staying. It’s not about having a picture perfect relationship. It’s about finding someone who will be there through everything. . without giving up. & I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it. . I haven’t wanted something this bad in so long. . I can’t just let this get away without fighting to have it and keep it. I don’t want to let go of you. I just don’t. Love isn’t about whom you can see yourself with. It’s about who you can’t picture yourself without. .

& after all of this I still do love you. I love you from the tip of your toes to the tippy top of your head, for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you’re yet to be. I was told to never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. I have that drive to work this out. I have that drive to keep on trying, to keep moving forward. Now, where’s yours?

Can We Change Men?

Ladies and gentlemen: I finally have the pieces to the puzzle. What puzzle might you ask? The puzzle that explains why women want to change men.

As an active member of the Christian Culture Center (CCC), a church located in Brooklyn, N.Y., there are times I may not make it to church every Sunday (please Lord do not crucify me lol), but I will review videos on the site. A friend of mine told me to check out a video discussing women and men, and how they relate to one another.

My first tidbit: Relationships are the networks of life.

There is NO WAY anyone of us will strive upward on the ladder of success without a helping hand. In college professors and advisors all stress the importance of networking. The faster we learn we need each other the better our world will be. Somewhere between generations, we’ve lost the importance of growing and learning together.

However, how can we grow together if we do not know how? Three words: wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Wisdom is defined as an action of applying experience, knowledge and good judgment. Understanding is defined as the ability to perceive the intended meaning of words and actions. Last but certainly not least, knowledge, which is defined as information and skills acquired through experience and education. According to senior pastor of CCC, A.R. Bernard, wisdom builds, understanding establishes and knowledge fills. Yet, understanding is the major component of it all. Without understanding we are unable to discern the bigger picture.

Take men and women for instance, our biggest roadblock is the perception we build because we lack understanding of one another. Lets say there are two young adults both early to mid-twenties. The young woman has a degree, while the young man may not have finished or even attempted to purse a degree, a trade or something of the sort. The man may either feel: 1. The woman is out of his league or 2. He is incompetent to provide for her at the time. He either decides to end communication or tell the woman he cannot be whom she want and/or need at the moment. All the woman hears is that this man does not want to be with her. Why? Because she lacks understanding that he needs to better himself to be a good man in the future. She proceeds to react rather than respond.

Second tidbit: Women instead of trying to change a man, why don’t you learn to understand the man.

God created Eve to bring out the best man in Adam, not to change him. As woman we are suppose to compliment a man. The famous quote goes as following, “Behind every great man there is a woman.” The quote does not say the woman changed a man. Of course one must change in order to grow. Conversely ladies, it is not your job to change a man. A man needs you to love him for whom he is.

So I’ve told you why a woman should not change a man, but now I will explain to you why woman want to change a man.

Third tidbit: Women have an innate characteristic (or maybe responsibility) to redeem mankind.

According to A.R. Bernard, after sin entered the world Eve became the symbol of redemption. Redemption is defined as the thing that saves someone from sin or error. Women are led to believe we can redeem a man, save a man from sins or errors. Eve, who was once the blame for sin, became the symbol of redemption. Biblically speaking, women have an innate characteristic to redeem mankind.

In other words because women have the innate trait to redeem mankind, we tend to want to redeem the man. We hope that we can save the man from sinning or from making errors. We don’t think we are changing you, we believe we are making you a better person. However, because there is a lack of understanding, the man believes she is forcing him to change. If both men and women take the time to truly understand one another then they may comprehend the other’s approach.

My personal opinion: there is miscommunication and a lack of understanding.

Things women NEED to know:

Women we cannot change men
What you see is what you are going to get
Marriage is not a construction project
Only God can change a man
It is your duty to bring out the best in the man, rather than change him
Find a man who has vision and UNDERSTADNING to see that you are trying to bring out the best in him

Rihanna in Elle UK

Rihanna graces the cover of the April issue of ELLE UK. She unapologetically states she intends to keep Chris Brown in her life. While skimming through Twitter I came across several comments such as:

“Guess being a role model to other girls/women isn’t important to her. Live your life, including the results of bad decisions. Less being a role model to other girls/women isn’t important to her. Live your life.”
“She ought to be embarrassed of herself.”
I am not ashamed to say I am a HUGE Rihanna fan. I am also not ashamed to say I am far from disappointed or judgmental of her choice to continue her relationship with Brown. I do believe it is time to forgive Brown.

First let me say in no way am I condoning abuse (physical or emotional). I’ve witnessed many occurrences, and to an extent I do believe once a beater always a beater. However, I also believe every saint has a pass and every sinner has a future. Yes I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten. I am aware that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. But who are we to judge Rihanna for her decisions?

Lets paint a vivid picture. At the time the incident transpired between Brown and Fenty, Brown was 19-years-old. I don’t know about you, but at 19-years-old I surely made A LOT of mistakes. Just imagine the worst thing you’ve done in your teens and you are now subjected to scrutiny for it, not just for one year, but four. For the last four years he has been ridiculed, outcasted and shunned. The Bible discusses the act of forgiving is —if not—the single most important thing.

Although forgiveness is easier said than done, it is imperative that we (as well as Brown) begin to practice forgiveness. When you acknowledge your unacceptable behavior many of us begin to bear a grudge against the person in the mirror. Have it ever occurred that many of Brown’s outbursts is perhaps his way of bearing his own guilt and/or regret. How can we expect him to grow up and take responsibility when society continues to shun him for his errors? People do not grow in isolation. We can only grow with human social development. By not forgiving Brown we are disobeying God’s commandments.

For those who may not be spiritual or religious simply ask yourself wouldn’t you want to be forgiving? So now you are thinking should we forgive all assailants? Yes! Because you cannot truly move forward with your life until you have truly forgiven those who trespassed against you. I am not saying every relationship should be rekindled. I am saying forgiveness is a main component in healing.

I do agree he has a temperament that should be addressed with therapy and anger management. However, I do believe it is time to forgive Brown and address his issues with love and not hate.

In addition, I must address the role model issue. I do understand once you become a celebrity you sign on the invisible line that states like it or not you are now a role model. Nonetheless, it is imperative that we help our children discern right from wrong. Because it works for Rihanna, does not mean that is what you should do. Each individual’s life is different and we must tailor our decisions based on our understanding and experience. Parents, teachers, mentors, advisors must teach our children it is okay to have a favorite celeb but it is not okay to make decisions based off their actions.