The following post concerns a topic that has been highly contested among girls and boys, men and women for quite some time. I will be discussing what I feel to be the truth about the relationship (or lack there-of) between girls and the ‘nice guys’ that never quite seem to get the upper hand.
For starters, let’s just go over what the issue is. The basic sentiment is that girls never pick the nice guys, but instead go for the assholes (if you’d excuse my language). Then the girls go on to complain about how they can’t find a good guy to take care of them. Guys, upon hearing this, become upset because they know they’re good guys but usually end up ‘friend-zoned’ with no way of escape. Because of this, girls are stupid for creating assholes out of the good guys who are just looking for a way to compete and get the girl of their dreams. I believe that about sums it up.
I’m not going to lie, but I have supported this “girls don’t know what’s best for them” theory for a long time. Recently, however, after long hours of contemplation during showers, commute to school, laundry, cooking, eating, etc (what can I say, I’m a renaissance man), I’ve realized its not entirely the girl’s fault. I say entirely, because there is enough blame for boys and girls, not just one or the other.
Firstly, there are actual biological reasons why girl’s may go for the “bad” guy. He usually comes off as a strong individual; usually in decent shape, arrogant, opinionated, prior experience with women. Being in good shape and arrogant mean that he is healthy and confident. Who wouldn’t be attracted to such an individual? Subconsciously, women want protection for both themselves and their offspring, so a strong and confident male fits the bill. In today’s society, prior experience with women usually means he is a wanted item and is comfortable around women.
Secondly, there is attraction. This has a lot to do with the first reason. Usually the “bad” guys are pretty easy on the eyes. It may be this awareness of their own attraction that makes these guys turn into cocky so-and-sos, or at least part of it (sometimes a guy is just an asshole). Side note: none of this is too say that there aren’t any good looking dudes who aren’t also genuinely good guys, they can just be harder to find. Girls want to be with an attractive guy (duh), just like guys want to be with an attractive girl. Does it always work out for either one? Of course not.
Let’s just get straight to it. The guys who complain mostly about this issue are guys who do’t rank all too high on the attractive scale, if you know what I mean. They’re upset because they feel the beautiful girl that they invested their emotions in is not returning those emotions because she’s shallow and too stupid to see the “good” guy right in front of her (usually friend-zoned). I supported this fully, until recently when I finally came to terms with what I feel to be the simple truth.
People, men and women, don’t want to settle for less. This is why guys want that gorgeous girl, while that gorgeous girl wants a gorgeous guy. This leads to the said girl denying the not-so-gorgeous guys the privilege of being with her. We all want to do the best we can for ourselves.
Let’s put it another way. Say your a slightly less than average to average looking guy. There is this girl who is everything you were ever looking for in the opposite sex; beautiful, funny, smart, kind, etc, etc. You approach her, tell her how you feel and/or ask her out. She answers with some variation of “sorry, just want to be friends”. A highly common form of denial. Now you could go home and sulk and think that she’s the one missing out (which could be true) or realize that you’re really the one missing out because she is so great. I’m not going to say there are a lot of fish in the sea, etc because odds are you’ve heard it enough times to make your ears bleed. Instead, I will pose another scenario:
Say sometime around this time a less than average to average girl approached you and flirted with you and such. You think she’s nice and ok looking but nothing overwhelmingly special. Do you ask her out? The answer, NO. Why? Because you think you can do better. Even if it turns out that she’s a sweetheart and a wonderful person to hang out with, you will not be interested.
So what makes that different to what girls are doing to guys? There is no real difference. Hot girls can be bitches just as much as hot guys can be assholes. You wouldn’t ask out the girl who was nice but not too attractive just like the hot girl you asked out doesn’t want to go out with you. We are all the same, we want to be with people who are attractive and nice. Not nice and attractive. No matter what we say, that’s how it is and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I like to think I’m real. I like to think I can think realistically and practically. As such, I know I don’t rank all too high on the attraction scale. I do know I’m a decent guy, can be fun to be around, intelligent, can cook/clean, and take care of myself. Does this make me arrogant? No, it just means I have some sense of what my good characteristics are. Does it suck that there isn’t a high volume of girls that realize this and can get over some not-so-good traits (not highly attractive, a little shy when it comes to dancing, etc, etc)? Hell yeah it does. But I realized that there is no point in making girls out to be stupid. Do they make mistakes? Yes. Don’t we all? Yes. It’s just that girls vocalize that they know they’re mistakes but make them anyways, while guys don’t really complain about wanting a “good” girl.
Saying that “I’m too good for her, anyways” may be true in some cases, but not all. The simple, painful fact-of-the-matter is that you simply aren’t what she is looking for at that time (or ever, in some cases). You just aren’t good enough. Now, you can either think I’m an asshole for telling anyone that, but let’s take it from a more positive approach. When you try out for a sports team, but don’t make it, what is the reason? You aren’t good enough. When you don’t get that job you interviewed for, what is the reason? You aren’t what they are looking for and/or you aren’t good enough. What do you do in these cases? You bust your ass to get better at that sport, or try to learn new skills to add to your resume. Think of being denied by women to be the same.
When a girl says she doesn’t want to go out with you, it means you aren’t what she’s looking for and/or aren’t good enough for her. What you should do is go out there and become better. Not necessarily to impress her, but to become more confident in yourself. If you’re out of shape, work out. If you aren’t too attractive, work out and wear nicer clothes (not expensive, just dress like you actually care, put some cologne on, etc.). By doing these things to make yourself “good enough”, you’re making yourself a better man. You don’t have to become an asshole. But there is nothing wrong with being confident in yourself. This isn’t to say that by doing all these things you will win the attention of the girl you first asked out, but the chances of other girls who you would be interested in would rise very highly.
The moral of this long, drawn out post is that guys and girls want what they think is best for them. What the ones who get rejected don’t realize is that they would do the same thing in a similar situation. The key is not to sulk and rant about how girls are all stupid sluts because they don’t want a nice guy for the reason he isn’t hot. The key is to work your ass off to become the best person you can be. Not just the best person, but the best YOU. Be confident and proud in who you are. Once you reach that point and get rejected, its obvious that you aren’t right for each other.
Being denied hurts. Its like a slap in the face when you’re basically being told you aren’t wanted, aren’t good enough. How to remedy it? Focus on yourself, improve yourself continuously. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, make yourself known for positive reasons. Don’t ever think you have to settle because you aren’t good enough. Basically, focus on being good enough for yourself.