I would love to write this down and send it to you, but the idea of opening a social channel to you again makes me angry and scared all at once. I am finally rid of you and I never want you back in my life again. I know you tend to drop by here every now and again, lurking. Checking up on me was something you were always great at. Theres a million things I want to say to you, a million things I have said but I don’t think you understood it to the full extent. To say I hate you would be an understatement, I’d love to say you’re nothing to me because really you are nothing…but your presence in my life has affected me greatly. I sit here with angry tears rolling down my face knowing that you’ve probably moved on and are entirely happy, never thinking about anything that happened, you said you’d always love and miss me, I bet that feeling has passed. I want you to know that although I don’t care for you and am in a very happy relationship I can see going somewhere amazing…I haven’t moved on, I still hear those horrible words you called me, I still feel your hands grabbing me, I still hear you shouting, I still see you’re evil eyes – those ones I saw when you turned up at my house, I still feel that anger when I think about you, as if your still here. I still get mad if people ask me more questions than I think they should, it makes my jaw clench and my teeth grind. I hate how you’ve made me feel about myself, I can’t shake it. Every so often I look in the mirror and see a horrible ugly evil little slut looking back at me. That was you’re favourite nickname for me wasn’t it? Are you happy that it’s stuck? I don’t see me anymore! You’ve made me lose all confidence in myself. I always pick on something because thats what you’ve made me used to. I know no one is perfect but you made me feel so fucking far away from it. Thats what I hate the most.
Everything else you’ve done to me, I’ve dealt with. It may not be healed, but I’ve dealt with it. I want that fun, loving, bubbly girl back. That’s all I want. She used to be able to talk to everyone, she spoke a lot better than I do, she wasn’t nervous about meeting new people, she didn’t take hours to get ready and still feel shit. She spent years building up her confidence and she had learned to love herself, just before you came along to destroy her. I have pictures of her with her friends all over my room, none of me. They are all of her, that girl thats no longer around. She was always smiling and laughing, please give her back to me.
This may sound crazy, but I also want to thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t appreciate the relationship I have now. He never once questions anything I do. He looks at me with such love as if he is looking at his most priced possession, as if there is nothing else in the world. He never pushes me or fights, he knows who I am and he loves me that way. You pushed me to him and for that I am forever grateful. You made me open my eyes. You made me realise that everything I ever wanted was right beside me since I was 12 years old. His very first words to me were “you’re beautiful”, he tells me all the time. He never tells me I’m an evil bitch, or ugly or that I deserve to die. I hope you realize now how you’ve made me feel. I hope I learn to like myself again, I hope I get myself back and I hope I never see/hear from you again.