I’ve been kind of distant from my blog lately. To be honest I’ve been kind of distant from life. I’m not feeling very motivated or inspired. I’m not feeling very good about myself. The last few months have been hard on me, I’ve cried a lot, especially this week. I’ve been down and been finding things a little more difficult. I don’t really know how to explain how I feel or why I feel it. I just feel down, I feel like giving up and going to bed.
I want my confidence back. I really need it back at this stage. I feel really awkward lately, I find it difficult to talk to people and to be around people. I feel like I’ve lost who I am. Over the past year, my friends have been complaining (mostly behind my back so I’m told) that I’m never around anymore. Yes, I have been busy, I’m trying to balance a lot but honestly, I just don’t know how to be around them, I don’t know how to act. Someone made me feel alone, one by one he got rid of my friends and separated me from the world. He told them lies which some of them believed, he told me one of my friends was telling him things about me. Even after we broke up, my parents (& myself) were afraid to let me go out because he would threaten to go too. I was afraid of what would happen. He showed up a couple of times, so I just stayed in. I felt alone, isolated. My now bf knew the whole situation. He was a great friend for so long that I knew I could 100% trust him. He kept me company as I waited for things to blow over, he was so amazing. When they did, it was hard to go back out. My friends had new jokes, new bonds, that I wasn’t apart of. Being around my college friends was easier, they didn’t know the old me. I have made more of an effort to keep in touch, but it’s a reminder of things I don’t like thinking about.
Two years on and I think I feel worse. I don’t really know how to be around people or my friends. I have the least amount of confidence I’ve ever had. Time with my bf is the greatest time in the world, he brings back me! When I’m around him, I feel like that 12-15 year old happy girl. I want her back. I just don’t know how to feel better about myself.
I’m not very good with letting people see me being vunerable. I hardly ever cry infront of people. My bf keeps asking whats wrong and what he can do to help. I wish I could give him a better answer than “I dunno, I’m just sad”. I think writing this has helped me, hopefully I’ll be able to tell him now and open up. Perhaps, that too will make me feel better. Thank you for reading this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love & support you show here on my blog. I really appreciate it.