What do you do when the man you love won’t touch you? This is something I experienced when I was with my ex four years ago.
Won’t kiss you or hug you without being asked. Tells you that you could lose some weight. Tells you that you are an unhappy and angry person and seems to avoid spending time with you. What do you do when you fight so much you dread spending time with some one because you know it will only end in tears?
That’s how I felt. Stuck in a relationship that hadn’t just died; it was rotting.
No one should ever have to feel as I felt. To feel like you are a horrible person inside and out. To feel like you repulse someone. To feel alone. As my relationship got worse I tried to invest more and more into it distancing myself from my friends in the hopes spending more time with him could fix things. It didn’t help. Things only got worse and I found myself unable to talk about it with anyone. The worst part for me was that he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. He just wouldn’t think and just tell me these things and regret it later.
Even after breaking up I was still left with all of these things circling my head. Taunting me.
To know the person you loved, whom you trusted could feel and say such things to you knocks you down.
I didn’t feel I could tell people. I was worried about making him look bad and worried they would think I was just being mean after the break up. I didn’t know how to explain that I felt empty as a person. Plain. Like there was nothing special or interesting about me. On bad days I get afraid to even have a conversation with some one in-case I bore them or I appear empty. I know it’s stupid but it’s going to take time.
I don’t think I am the person he said I was. I think that sometimes people can just be bad for one another and bring out the worst in us. For now I am happy to be alone and working of feeling good about myself again. Feeling like a real person; an exciting person. My friends are great and coming home has helped a lot in reminding me who I am. I’m sure there is a guy out there somewhere who can see past my faults and love me for the good parts but until them I’m going to just keep chugging along and treating everyday as a new start.