Horrible Friends!!

These are friends that you see all across the world, and we love them and hate them and have mixed feelings about them.

The list is a work in progress.

THE MOVIE QUOTER.

Oh man. I might catch some flack for this one but I can’t help it. There are people out there who comprise most of what they say of things they’ve seen in movies or on television shows. Usually after they give their own rendition of the flick they let it hang in the air for a second until we all make the connection/remember every line from every movie and recognize it immediately whenever it’s spontaneously reenacted. I almost never know what the line is from which makes it even worse. Then they wanna TELL ME the movie or tv show, and if I’m really lucky they’ll treat me to another rendition.

Sometimes, and I do mean sometimes, it might be endearing.

For instance, if I’m lying around the house with a fine ass motherfucker that I’m happy to be with and he just looks over and says “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird” (-Ryan Goslingin The Notebook aka the most romantic movie of my lifetime) I would probably melt. That sounds like a really beautiful moment.

I don’t think movie quotes are ever repeated in a setting like that. Mostly jokes are quoted, or so I’ve seen/heard.

Two thumbs down.

THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.

In my opinion this is the absolute worst “friend” to have and the worst person to be in life. This one might be a bit harsh so brace yourself.

You know what sucks worse than never being trusted by people? Not much.

Research shows that most people go through a phase in life (usually during early childhood) where we lie constantly. I haven’t done enough research to know why but maybe I will in the future. Sometimes the phases last longer, but eventually they stop for most people around 16 years old. I had a lying phase in my teens, but it stopped at 16.

I learned the consequences of lying, got tired of trying to remember the lies, and hated the web I weaved.

Lying is so fucking stupid and strange.

Anyway!

Sometimes people never stop lying.

It’s a major bummer when you meet one of these people because you will like them, start to trust them, and then you’ll realize that they are not trustworthy people. Does that sound judgmental? Well why would a compulsive liar be the person you turn to for anything? They wouldn’t. Not if you know they lie.

Thankfully I am not friends with anyone that is a compulsive liar.

I knew someone who was one about a year ago.

It took me too long to realize that he was full of shit, even though the signs were there all along.

If I told you the signs you would crack the FUCK UP cause you can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner!

(so now I have to make a note to write about them next)

Basically DON’T LIE ABOUT THINGS BECAUSE IT’S A WASTE OF EVERYONES TIME.

I don’t like my TIME WASTED.

If you are friends with someone who is a compulsive liar- ask yourself why you’re doing that and then leave me a comment telling me what that reason was because I’m curious to know.

THE FLAKE.

Wow, this is another annoying friend to have.

I could even break this down into “the considerate flake,” “the inconsiderate flake,” and finish off with “the snowflake” but ain’t nobody got time fuh dat. (wow I just quoted a youtube video but it was so worth it!) I probably will hit you with all three flakes though. Prepare.

Flakes are the ones that over-commit and then bail on you at the last second. The considerate flake (if you can be “considerate” while totally letting down someone you care about) will at the very least give you a days notice that they can’t make it. Day-of notice is pretty bad. So is within an hour of the event.

It’s always better to say you’d love to attend the event but you need to check your schedule first. Then go home, check it, and decide if you actually want to attend the event. If it sounds fun and you’re free, follow through.

Also, if you’re bailing on something don’t bother with excuses. They might make you feel better but they won’t make the person you’re letting down feel better- might even make them feel worse.

Oh no, you suddenly can’t make it because your puppy was rushed to the vet? Now I’ll be worried about Sparrow all during dinner.

Just say you can’t make it and you’ll make it up to them soon.

The inconsiderate flake bails on everything and you don’t get any sort of explanation until days later if you get one at all.

Oh your house-warming party was last weekend?

It completely slipped my mind.

I’ve just been soooo busy with everything that’s so amazing going on in my life listen to me talkkkkkk about it weeeeeeee blahblahblahhhh…

The inconsiderate ones aren’t totally cast-away because when they actually commit to something and follow through, they are amazing fun to be around.

But most of the time not.

THE ONE-UPPER.

This friend will drive you to the brink of insanity with their relentless storytelling of their awesomeness.

This person might suffer from a disease I call Popular in High School Syndrome (PiHSS). They have a greater chance of being quite popular in high school because many of their one-upping stories will take us all back to this magical time during high school that seemed just a little out of reach for some reason.

Not for them!

No story you’re tellin’ is complete without them jumping in at the last second (either right before or seconds after you deliver the ending to the story) to tell everyone how much that reminds them of a time when they too were out at the lake camping with friends enjoying the peace and quite, when all the sudden something TOTALLY AWESOME happened that is like SO RARE and nobody wanted to spoil the SUPER AMAZING moment by grabbing their cameras to take a picture of THE COOLEST THING EVER and it was just UNREAL.

It’s way nicer to let people shine where they shine and not always try to steal the spotlight.

That doesn’t mean you’re not totally amazing, but other people are too.

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