Dreamer

I’m such a dreamer. I plan to do a million things at night but when I wake up I hardly ever follow through. I dream about my future, many different aspects of it but in this moment I’m ruining my life. I can’t do anything functional anymore… It’s not even a feeling anymore that’s holding me back, it’s a darkness that is overwhelming me and changing me into my worst nightmare and there’s nothing I can do. I think about my future all the time, everything; jobs, kids, traveling… Love… My love of music… And every time I think of the future he comes into my head again and my future ‘dreams’ disappear and I’m back in the present. The present where loneliness, heartbreak, sadness and anger are eating me up. I can’t even fucking go to school and concentrate properly there. It’s stressing me out to know that I’ve missed so much and every time I tell myself I can’t catch up, I miss out on more and I know I’m slowly ruining my future and life but I don’t know what to do. It’s not that simple to just do these things, no one can understand how hard it is for me to explain this. They don’t get it, for fucks sake I’m not sleeping properly, my whole body routine is out of wack, how can I concentrate or have the energy for anything? I’ve spent so much time on table tennis but now I’m so uninterested in the sport. I really do want to enjoy table tennis and school again. I don’t have motivation and I don’t have hope. I just want to fast-forward my life into where my dreams lead me, my actual realistic ‘idea’ of my future. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore, and I don’t know how to make everything right anymore, it’s too late to fix me. I know I need some kind of help, but I’m just not sure what’s right for me or what will just make me pissed off.

So whenever I think of my future… A thought instantly follows, I have no future.