To Love Or Not To?

To be loved or not to be loved…To be loved…But by the one I love…Why is it that people often fall for someone that doesn’t feel the same way yet the person that you love doesn’t want to know of your existence…They say that there’s someone for everyone but how do you know…How do you know who’s meant for who…Often people settle for less, taking the first one coming their way or they simply get tired of trying and ending up with the wrong ones…Where will all this lead to…I’ve been down that road before and it feels like forever…I hope and wish that this time I’m right…That this time I have found the one…The one that I love and that he loves me back…Because honestly I’m starting to get tired of looking and hoping to be loved by the one I love…Where the hell is he…I’ve been waiting all my life…People come and go and change you…But I don’t want to be changed, I want to be loved for who I am…So that I wouldn’t have to live to please someone I don’t love and hold back the real me…I want to be free, I want to feel free, to able to say what I truly feel and show who I really am not being trapped in a cage like a bird that has to follow the rules dictated by the “owner” in order to survive…Why is it that when you love someone they don’t love you back or when someone loves you and wants you – you couldn’t care less…Because your heart simply belongs to someone else…I never wanted you, I never asked you to love me…But you grew into me…We understood each other without words…People envied us while others tried everything to break us apart…I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t love you, I simply couldn’t, but I kept you in my life because I needed a friend…As a friend I couldn’t ask for someone better, but as someone to love, it’s just too wrong…I never knew what was the purpose for us to meet but some great things came out it…It made me see because I was blinded for so many years…I slipped and fell and you were there to make sure to keep me down for all these years…No matter what you did, but you could never break into my heart, you could never break my soul…You mislead me and fed me with lies, but I was stronger than that…And now I can see clearly again and I’ve learned so much…I’m finally up and moving on…Living and doing everything I can to make my dreams come true…You and I were wrong right from the start, but at least I learned something…I think I would have given up otherwise…At least now I know what’s waiting for me out there…You toughened me up…And that I’m forever grateful for…Now I have finally shown you who I really am and what I want, but why do you still keep running after me? You hate what I am, so why do you do it? Hidden agendas or what? You hurt me and when I defend myself you say you have to swallow your pride in order for you to let me be who I am…What kind of sick talk is that? I had to swallow my pride and my real identity for years so that you could feed your hate and your selfish behavior…You have to swallow your pride? How about acting like a decent human being and let others be? I have as much right to exist and be who I am as much as you do…But your hatred of others makes me sick…How can you possibly think you’re perfect and only you’re the one that’s right…Oh yes, I forgot, there’s only one side to every story, right? In your twisted world…Sometimes I really don’t understand people and their behavior…These past weeks have gone by so fast…I wanted to take some time off, but all I could think of was all the stress the situation I’m in has caused me…I always feel I’m in hurry and that my time is running out…And it doesn’t make me feel good about all of this…And on the top of everything I just found out that important decisions about my life have been made behind my back without first discussing it with me…But I guess that’s how it goes…People do whatever they like…Not that I would actually complain about it, because in fact I really did need the result of this decision…But due to that decision which I found out too late I could have done so many things differently, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be…Anyway, this actually gives me the chance to hurry even more in order to start living my dream…The sooner I close up all the loose ends here the sooner I can move on and start living my dream…I always think, I’ll do it tomorrow, but not anymore…The time is now…There’s no tomorrow and I will do it today…Because the sooner I’m done, the sooner I can get the hell away from this place and these people…I want to get away…I want to go somewhere I’m wanted, somewhere I’m loved and respected for who I am and not have to be forced to live by the dictated rules of what others think are right…Enough of waiting, enough of wrong…It’s about time to do the right thing and start living the life I’ve always wanted…Because I feel that I’m done here, both mentally and physically…I’m tired of this life and this place and these people…I want to be me, I want to be free, I want to belong and I want to love and be loved…But not by someone I don’t love and not by someone that constantly tries to bring me down and make me feel bad about myself and my identity…This time I want to do it right…And I want to do it now…

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2 thoughts on “To Love Or Not To?

  1. Elise Renee Gingerich says:

    i don’t love brian cummings from long ago in that group care home out there in washington state called the resource center from back in the 1980s, because i don’t even know brian cummings from that group care home called the resource center from back in the 1980s that we both lived in a long time ago, a long time ago, i guess. i don’t understand why brian cumming’s last message to me over about a month ago was so confusing and so angry sounding to me, because i don’t remember ever doing anything to brian cummings from back then, for him to send me angry and confusing messages on the internet! 😦 i don’t love you brian cummings, because i don’t even know you as an adult, i guess.

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