Because no one protected me.
That’s why. I keep going, trying to make my life okay. I keep working on myself, I keep trying to do things right.
I keep trying to get over the past and heal from it.
I make bad choices. You wouldn’t know it if you met me.
I’m as sturdy as they come. Maybe they assume because I’m strong I can’t be broken. I don’t need any help. I don’t need support.
The people I draw, to me, consistently let me down and I can make all the rationalizations I want to but it doesn’t change the facts.
It’s not once in a while this happens. It’s all my life. Smiling people, people who are there and then they’re not. I say, okay, that won’t happen again and I learn about something else.
Sadly I’m at a point if someone actually said they would be there for me. I wouldn’t believe them. Right now, today, I’m okay with superficial connections. You feel that you know. The lack of closeness with others.
It resides in your chest. It protects you from getting to close and every time I think I’ve made a better choice in a person to trust who is there for me.
I’ve been wrong. How many times, is it humanly possible to make that very same mistake, to great or lesser degrees?
They thank me for checking up on them. No one checks up on me. It’s why I have the thoughts I have now.
I keep making bad choices and I have done all the work on myself and I am still making bad choices. I’m not understood and when I think I am understood and I start to relax and I open up, I find out I missed something in the other individual.
I’m upset because while everyone was going about their life, making things right for themselves, no one protected me. And I had no control. They weren’t paying attention to me. They were paying attention to what they needed.
All the people I have cared about and for were all worried about themselves. My feelings, who I am, what I wanted were always secondary if non-existent.
So for today, it feels good to say this out loud.
Who protected me. Who was there for me when I needed them? I needed it too. No one asked.
I know why. They were busy looking after the one with the really big problems. See, just because you understand why something happened, doesn’t mean it hurt any less.
What’s more interesting is how I know people are smart enough. I explained it. So when you explain it to someone and it still turns out badly. You wonder what was it that this individual did not understand.
I make bad choices. Others make excuses for their behavior. They apologize, they justify, they appease their own conscience and they pretend that it’s okay and it’s not okay.
I think that is the biggest despicable thing one human can do to another. When you know they understand and they rationalize it away. And why? Because human being can be and are very self serving.
Could I be this way? Perhaps. And you know, I make other people feel better. Which is amusing all on it’s own. A word. A kindness. A story. A smile.
I’m good at it. So while no one is seeing, even after I tell them, how important it is and that I have feelings too, I feel bad for them. I have empathy for them.
And underneath the surface of my smile. It hurts.
This too shall pass.