Nothing Else To See

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Had a discussion yesterday with an individual who was so massively immature that it disgusted me. We’re entitled to our opinion in life, I get that. I have mine, you have yours however you do not have to be an asshole. Thank you.

We say that we want x, y and z but x, y and z are usually all about what someone else wants, what we want and if it fits in with what we believe. Sure, there are compromises that can be made, I agree.

The reality is that we only want from others what is acceptable to us and we do not want variations that are so far away from what we believe that we have to give up too much ourselves.

Some things we should not give up. Some things we hold onto for dear life because to change them would be the demise of who we are and how we treat others.

Yet. It’s all about the individual isn’t it. Yes. It is. It’s about how they want it, how they see it and make no mistake I have my personal beliefs as well. Some I will compromise on others I will not. As is my right.

As it is yours.

The more I look around, the more it seeps dangerously into my system that people only want to hear what they agree with and what makes them happy or goes along with their grand scheme of things.

I’ve been paying attention.

To give light responses and lightly agree with others, makes them happy. They like you because they believe you think like them. Deviate and you’re not someone they want to be around. And I assure you I make the same judgment calls. There are things that I will not be around, nor will I ever tolerate.

We claim that we want to be known, to be heard, to be liked, to be validated and acknowledged but is that really true? It appears to me that people want to hear only what they want to hear that makes whatever their beliefs are true and they can adhere to them so tightly, you can barely breath just being around them.

I understand how this all comes to be. Sadly.

It would be comparable to reading this blog. My reality is not yours and I would say it’s safe to assume that it would be damned depressing to read. I don’t blame you. Because when I write here it’s because I feel horrible.

I have felt horrible for a couple days now. The idea of getting up in the morning and living a life that I am unhappy in despite my best efforts, I am trapped in my life and I have tried to get out of the trap.

Maybe we really are our own worst enemy. I have tried not to be mine. Basically, it appears that you have to be what everyone else expects or wants you to be so you can get along and let them believe that you will think like them to be included. If you are so bold to have a standard or a difference of opinion, you can, and will, be deemed an outsider.

Course, there is quite a lot of people out there who do not conform and they’re just fine. It’s because they have people around them who support them and believe the same things. Very nice. I am slowly adapting a state of mind wherein I know, for a fact, based on quite a bit of personal experience that if you only give people light responses and don’t feed into whatever it is too much, that makes them happy.

They go off and do whatever they want and we are all pretty set in our ways at a certain point and time. I know I am. I feel my way is best. I try to treat people with respect, they don’t usually appreciate my honesty no matter how well I word it.

I don’t trust peoples intentions. I held onto a shred of trust for my fellow man. Yet people come, they test you, they rip the rug out from under your feet and you have to make sense of it all.

This has been a bad couple of days. I woke up out of a dead sleep and felt, depressed and I tried to pin point what it is that made me feel so badly and I couldn’t find it.

What I can say is that I know I have a glimmer of hope that I’m wrong about all these things I put here. I never wanted to be that person who gave up. I’m not talking about suicide or anything like that, no way. I’m talking about something much worse. Living a life where I keep to myself and don’t let anyone in. I did manage to pin point one aspect of the past few days which turned my mood. Which is good. Then I can do my best to deflect that situation.

At the end of the day, no one checks on me. They are all busy. They don’t ask how I am. Maybe it’s because of the smile I put on my face. Yes. That is definitely it. They don’t know and the reason they don’t know is because it doesn’t matter. They are busy with their life and don’t think of me. It is that simple.

No. Don’t feel bad. It is something that I have come to expect from most people. They’re busy. I understand. They have distractions of their own. I understand.

Based on this line of thinking? I’ve stopped reaching out to any of them as well. Particularly some of them who have known me longest and made the choice to forget.

It is my greatest hope “not” to lose hope and faith in others.

Because I am officially disheartened by the things I see and the things I know to be true about human nature.

These thought processes must not go on. It’s not healthy, it affects my mood. I am snappy, I am irritable, I am not myself and when I endeavor to change my mood, something else happens and I wonder for the hundredth time.

Why am I bothering? I could just sink to everyone else’s level and be done with it.

That’s not who I am though. It was never who I aspired to be. Some quitter who gives up like that on others.

I’m done. Move on. There’s nothing else to see here.

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