Forever….

The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own- populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness. An epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

 

How long will I be trapped here in this room? The view from the inside stretches around me, the walls being mostly windows. Each day the light of the sun, the sounds of others, and the turning of the seasons pass before my eyes. How long will I be trapped here? Shall this chapter in my life be like the one so many pages ago? Will I be stuck living in this confined space with my anxiety dripping over every thought I have as I yearn to leave but fear my departure alone? That time before in my life, that time which I lived as a teenager trapped in a world of abuse- I lived out so many different lives on a screen thanks to silicone and scientists, so many lives where I lived and died but none so much as the one I lived with you.

My blue eyes pass over myself in the mirror, I tell myself I’m pretty, I tell myself I have value. Inwardly my soul is searching, grasping, crying out for a companion. Restlessly I prepare myself for the day. I stare at my eyes, the lines… They hold the weight of a thousand sad goodbyes. The depth in my pupils reflects my yearning to run, to flee, to escape with the wolves. To fall haplessly in submission to my love. My heart yearns for this, to escape, to be free to be a slave. To evolve above and beyond what I was before, little by little, like a drill digging into the heart of life itself, discovering the majestic array of colors and emotions. Love, loss, awe, pride, grief, pain, and so much more!

To escape, to collapse at your feet, and start life anew there. To begin to grow again and see a future away from those that bind me in chains of solitude and not in chains of love and caring. To learn to believe again! To believe in love and that I could never be separated from the one I love the most. To again know that somewhere out there I have a family and they love me for who I am.

For now there is no place to run, there is no place to leave to. There is no place to seek safety and even solitude. For as well as I am doing I am destitute in loneliness, for I have lost something worth grieving for, and not a single person physically present understands that. The pain of a broken heart, it pulses through me in the middle of the night as I toss and turn and fail to sleep, or away in a panicked sweat from a nightmare so real that one might just believe it was their life. That pain of a broken heart I am belated to feel. To say I were happy would do great injustice to what I am trying to convey. I feel so much pain because we did love, we did for a short period let ourselves bask in the warm summers as lovers, friends, and as Mistress, and slave. With the loss of her that will never happen again and that leaves me with a grief, a grief no one else who ever lives may understand in exactly the same way that I do. I am lucky though, for those few years I knew what love, what a family, and what hope was.

I will not pass my grief to others or wallow in it’s throws for sympathy, I will accept it, and let it flow through me when it needs to. For this grief, this loneliness is nobody’s fault. It is strong and yet, yet it holds no bearings on relationships, friendships, and love with anyone else. To let it have control of those I still love, those I hope to have a future with– To let it affect our relationship would be offensive to my own grief and to the love others have shown.

May I some day soon escape and be brought to my knees before an Owner, may she break me with all of her will, and strength, and after when all has been broken may her loving embrace hold me, build me up, and form me into what she wishes, for that is my utmost desire in life. May my Owner find ways to relieve their stress upon me, to let their raw anger flow into my body how they wish. May my Owner understand my love for them and it’s unending compassion. May I scream in agony from my Owner’s touch and tremble in fear of their wrath. May I fall at their feet and cry to be comforted and loved… And above all else, may I bring a smile to my Owner every morning and be forever by their side.

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