Sometimes I feel disconnected.
Like I’m just a third-party spectator in a situation involving me and others. That feeling where you’re suddenly disconnected from your current participation of a scene as if viewing yourself as somebody you know and don’t really know. That feeling like you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone then you just suddenly zone out and feel discombobulated as to why you’re in that conversation in the first place. It can be very disorienting, that kind of disconnection. Annoying even.
Those times when I ask myself or rather my brain tells me this is how I should be feeling at this particular moment and yet the actual feeling in me isn’t aligned with what is supposed to be that I just end up feeling nothing–numbed and anesthesized by this misalignment of emotions. Sometimes I even question myself maybe I’m some robot for not feeling like what others in my situation are most likely expected to feel. Nope, don’t see any wires or screws poking out my body.
I daydream a lot lately. Mostly daydreaming about the greater what-ifs or possibilities tomorrow could bring. Drafting future plans in my mind, but more often scared to voice them out loud because I’m simply afraid that I might jinx it and it won’t form into reality as a consequence. That saying it out loud and multiple of times to others would seem to be as good as if I’ve actually done it when in truth all I end up is talking. Just talking and planning, but never gotten around to actually doing it.
Sometimes I just don’t want to say it because it raises expectations from me, and I’d rather be the kind of person who’s under selled then surprises the shitballs in people in an amazing sort-of way instead of being oversold, then with their premeditated great expectations comes their disappointment or disapprovement that their words could hide but their scrutinizing eyes couldn’t. I know I’m capable of doing great things, but I find myself unmotivated or temporarily inspired.
I daydream of escaping. Of waking up in the morning with the sweet comfort of waves rolling across me, the salty scent of the sea and the heat of the early sun prickling against my skin. I daydream about what my life could be if it were different from now. I daydream and I wonder, how I can get over this. I want to swim up, rise above water because I need to stop pitying myself. I need someone else to guide me. I need a new routine.
I need a fresh start so I can breathe.