I keep thinking of sleeping…of just being alone. I don’t want to be bothered. I just want to be alone. In my solitude. I am remembered of that enigmatic song by Billy Holiday where she repeats those word “…in my solitude…”
I wish I had company…but I don’t right now. Someone who could grab me and keep me safe in his embrace and I could keep him stable in my embrace.
I hate feeling like this after a breakup. After feeling like a failure. After the pain has subsided that’s when the solitude creeps in…and I find myself feeling relieved…because I know this place….but I also know better. I’ve grown, I know company is not necessarily better but it has a connection. A link that promises a understanding ..or at least hopes for acceptance.
I feel lonely. I feel safe. In my solitude I sit, quiet and firm in what I want. I’ve learned regret is a nasty little thing, that stains your future. I now know if I want to say something…if I want to change something …I want to try.
But relationships are a partnership … not an individual thing. Work has to be balanced, there has to be a want, a desire for sweetness. A promise to let go of the past.
In my solitude I cry…
A prayer for numbness to leave my body.
I pray for my body to not shut itself and give up. Because to delay the process of growth would just hurt more in the end.
I pray for my heart to endure this rejection, because this is only a lesson…the worst has already come and gone.
In solitude I pray so that I can learn from my mistakes, and to never be afraid to ask for more.