Enemy

I am my own worst enemy right now. I don’t hate anyone. I will continue to do what I feel is the right things for not only myself, but those around me.

I am afraid to get close to someone. Based on some, or many things that have gone on in my life.

I spoke to someone today, we were laughing, they said I have a good heart. I smiled, in spite of what I say here. It felt good to hear that someone see’s me as I am. Many people do. I know this.

I can’t seem to make good friendships. I can’t seem to create a good relationship for myself. I get along well with most people. So this makes no sense to me.

A few other people have told me as well recently, they enjoy talking to me. I still find myself not wanting to create any deep attachments. Seems good to me right now. Mind you, I am not cruel to anyone. I am simply avoiding making deeper connections for myself at this point and time.

It is nice to hear and little by little it could restore my faith a bit. I have had many people let me down.

Maybe it’s time someone else came forward to show me, they will be there for me. Much like I tried to be there for them.

I have a lot of resistance to new people. I am very leery. I understand this. I notice as I get to know someone, I open and shut like a door. I have realized that if I’m patient with myself and work through that resistance that I can see what I should.

The other individuals intentions. Who they are. Who they show me they are. This takes time. They are not that way with me though. Not really. They are expressive and happy to see me.

There isn’t anything self serving in those things at all. I like that. A lot.

I also find that I am disgusted by all the things that I want to see in the world that I may never have the opportunity to, other than a picture. I like being exposed to new things. So I look and see. Then I feel depressed because I can’t. Not right now and I fear greatly sometimes that I may never.

This bothers me immensely.

Okay. Maybe not all people are bad. They are still self serving. As am I.

The more I learn, the more I see. I see good too.

Maybe, since the last few things that have happened to me pass, I will have some of my faith restored.

I am not closed off to that idea.

I withdraw and think the worst when I’m hurt. I think that’s normal.

What I cannot reconcile is how I have expressed things to those around me. Not unreasonable things either.

I do not want to stay feeling this way.

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One thought on “Enemy

  1. The truth by keeping your distance you are becoming everything that has created these negative thoughts in you. If you want to see a better world dedicate your life to making it a reality. If you have fresh air in your lungs breathe it on those who are tired of inhaling polluted air. You can remain a cynic or you can start being what’s great in this world. Let people in and start by hugging them a little long than you did yesterday and stop protecting yourself from “what if” and start allowing “what can be”!!!!

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