Hiding Out
I have been hiding out in a way. The superficial, nice connections, I have made are sufficient at best to entertain me. Only, I don’t want to be entertained. It’s a placebo for a live relationship and for the life of me, I know how to find someone. It isn’t that hard.

I mentioned I have a personality. I don’t do mean things. I do, however, stand up for my beliefs. As it should be.

I have realized that if a person I happen to meet in the social network is across the other side of the world, that would be ridiculous to cultivate anything further than a friendship. Although, interestingly enough, people from other places, seem so much nicer then where I’m from.

My point is in those cases, it’s not so much a lack of trust. It’s about not creating an emotional connection with a person who lives on the other side of the world. So I am guarded. They are nice people, so it seems.

I don’t know them all that well. So, it’s speculation at best.

I have not come up with an answer. People are people.

What does bother me is how one person, who does something bad, to another can make such a significant impact on me. It could be the number of times. I’m a aware of that. Each time something happens, that hurts, it revives other things and it feels bad.

I don’t like that. I am not sure how to deal with it.

So. I hide. I make superficial conversations and I wish things were different. I do not know what else to do.

This, is a shame. I know it’s a shame.

I am not a joiner.

I know what I like.

I find I reach out to the opposite sex for companionship and conversation. They are, after all, geographically undesirable. It’s accidental. You can’t chose who you meet when they pop up and you talk and they’re pleasant.

Some of them are downright amusing. I would like to meet them in real life. There must be people like this in my vicinity.

I had a couple beers this evening. I am officially a light weight. Which is fine. I had begun drinking to appease myself at night and not think for a few months. I know when to stop.

While I enjoy social networks, they are a placebo for real life. They, as with anything, have their place. I am appeased with the banter and conversation.

Some people are still good. They are not completely self serving. I see a mixture in personalities, which is good. It alleviates my thought process that all people are self serving.

People like you for how you make them feel. I agree. I wish I did not feel cold inside. It’s almost as if I’m fighting feeling better. The only reason I push it back down, feeling good, is because it doesn’t last. Something happens and it goes astray.

Sometimes I make that happen. Based on other’s behavior. As one should. Married people. No need to be so friendly with me. It irritates me. I am not your band aid for your bad marriage. I am a human being and do not need to be included in your drama. It is, that simple.

I’m looking at pictures from various members to get a feel for them. When I do meet someone, I need a particular person. You sense this from them. I want that, whatever that feeling is for me, I want that. The good ones, not the ones I seem to attract. Unfortunately, the ones I attract and am drawn to have the bad gene trait as well.

Again. If I do not get this right, I could be alone indefinitely. I do not want that. Not way down deep inside. I have to learn to trust again. I am working on that, despite my outpouring of thoughts here.

I miss who I used to be. Yet, I know myself better now then ever before. It’s about really seeing things for how they are.

I had a friend I lost recently. No, they didn’t die. We parted ways due to a difference of opinion. One that was not able to be remedied. Apparently. It was for the best. I remind myself of this. It’s not stubborn pride either.

It was for the best. They say, if you let something go and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. It’s a platitude. I know. This individual will not come back. They dug their heels. As did I. It’s okay. I understand.

I miss them from time to time.

It makes me sad.

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