I like to think there is good in every person. I like to hope that people are inherently good and aren’t out to con, take advantage and swindle you. Sadly is this idealistic view is a fantasy, and the reality is the world is filled with both good and bad people.
I want to trust people. I want to be able to be open and honest about my emotions, I want to be able to lay down every facet of my life on a table and say “look, this is me in my entirety. Every mistake, every triumph, every moment of despair and every moment of soaring joy. Here it is all laid out before you, this is who I am.”
I have a cynical side which questions people when they are getting closer to me and their motives as to why. What do they want from me? What is their angle? Where is this going? I cannot help it. It is just what I do.
Deep down though I want to trust people. I want them to be able to see my vulnerabilites and weaknesses and be able to comfort and accept them. That is what I get on this blog, but the price for this acceptance is I am anonymous, you are all digital packets of data and none of you can actually put your hand on my shoulder and tell me I’m not a fruitcake.
I trust people with secrets and parts of me that I know I shouldn’t. I trust people who I know that really I barely know, but I trust them anyway. I am a fool for being so idiotically open and sincere. I am a naïve child thinking in this fashion.
The walls I once had have been shattered. I need to build them up again. I need to make sure that I can protect myself again from ever being hurt and vulnerable again. I need to lock my emotions in a chest and chuck that b***h in the ocean (if you got that as a Bad Boys II reference, you are awesome).
I need to stop trusting people, it only ever leads to them breaking your trust and leaving you looking at the pieces on the floor of your shattered hopes thinking “How did I end up here again? Oh wait, that’s right, I know how. It’s because you are an idiot”