Dollar and a Dream

I’m not a liar. Someone told me the other day in order to be a millionaire we need to sell someone a dream.

I didn’t feel comfortable with that because I think most people are looking for the quick fix. How is that my problem? It isn’t, that’s where your conscience takes over, if at all. Mine does.

It’s not that hard to sell a dream really. You give away something for free, you entice them into wanting more, you tell them it is for a limited time only and they will miss out if they don’t buy it right now!

They say, to figure out your purpose in life and you will be healthy, wealthy and wise, maybe even happy. Happy may have been the initial goal however greed may take over at some point.

Inform them, let them do with the information as they will. You walk away with the cash and they are left to their own devices with no resources. Take away negative people and create better mindsets like your own.

How many people do you really know who have your specific mindset? At minimum if you’re lucky they carry the same values, perhaps the same beliefs and if religion plays a part in all of this, you’ll have a real party going on won’t you? You’ll belong.

Yet all the things you believe, right here, right now were fed to you in some way by someone else which you absorbed without question. To not believe without question may make you an outcast, an outsider, maybe even alone. And who wants to rock the boat? You could say I am above the curve because the only true beliefs that I have, at this current moment are:

People are self serving.

People do what they do because it yields them a return of some kind.

If they can talk about you behind your back or to your face and get away with it, they will.

If it’s malicious in nature you will be told you need to develop a thicker skin because the world is a difficult place and only the fittest survive. And all this, despite your tears.

You will be told that your expectations are too high, have none. So are you giving up choice when you have no expectations or are you allowing someone else to do whatever they want to you while you get nothing in return?

Remember people are self serving. They do what they do, good, bad or indifferent because it gives them what they want. Love, money, happiness, friends, prestige.

And it’s from the goodness of their heart. You are a good person if you do nice things. So you do nice things. When it doesn’t yield you the results you want or the love what happens next? What can happen is people will take you for granted and then you will be tap, tap, tapping on your keyboard. Just like me.

Wondering why being good didn’t work.

Me, Me, Me.

The reality is, as of late, I have realized that I’m not much different. I am resentful, highly skeptical and have little faith in other human beings. They change too quickly and I notice how much others are drawn in when they like me.

The bad thing is I don’t want to be liked that much, I don’t want the responsibility of it all. I don’t mind it for a little while but over time? To be a keeper, a confidant, the one who supports for an indefinite amount of time while I get what in return.

Because I am self serving too. I want what I want, when I want it and when it’s not what I want, I can engage in idle chit chat and I marvel at others who really seem to mean the things they say and do. Like I once did.

I do nice things. Don’t misunderstand. Again, they are all surface things and while I mean well, I don’t have feeling attached to it. Since I don’t have it for myself it’s not that difficult to push someone else away who needs it when what?

They are not what I want. Because I want what I want. Much like all the self serving people I discuss here who are going about their life, forgetting I exist and moving on, teaching me that we are truly self serving and care about our own needs first and foremost and once those needs are met, they move on.

While I try not to do that, I can see how it happens. Which, in part, because it’s been done to me, is why I have all this resentment trapped inside.

They take and take and take. And you know, sometimes I take too because I assume the person giving is fine. Nothing substantial is ever taken, to my knowledge from them. I am not that evil in nature.

I call friends now and then to talk. Yes, about me. They tell me I call only to talk about me. Well, then maybe it would occur to them to call me now and then. Maybe we all need to learn to call someone when we don’t need something but to see how they are. I’ve tried that. I am the only one who calls though, so I stopped.

I have always been the one who calls though. Because despite my protests, relationships are important to me. I miss them but I don’ t think I truly understand them at all. What I do feel is that they are all self serving.

You make me happy, I’ll make you happy and we’ll live happily ever after and all the while I regress further back into my mind. Like a child who wishes the world was a better place. Wondering if I was loved more as a child, would I be different today?

If someone showed up, the miracle I mentioned the other day and gave me everything I ever wanted from a human being. Would I let them in, or push them away before getting too close or letting them in.

I am truly tired of feeling my heart open and shut. It is mostly shut. I try to relax, I try to be open, I do an excellent surface performance with my social mask.

Makes me feel like I am lying. Because as soon as I turn away, my smile is gone. What’s worse is, I never intended to be this way and I can’t quite figure out how to stop it from getting worse. Simply because, every where I look and in everything I see, people are self serving.

So am I. My needs aren’t being met either and I resent them all for not seeing it. I resent those who assume we are friends after a short period of time because one day that will change and they will go. It’s how that works.

People don’t stay. Because they are self serving. Why shouldn’t I be self serving. It is, apparently, what makes the world go round.

Longevity in a relationship is a foreign animal to me. That’s a shame.

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2 thoughts on “Dollar and a Dream

  1. a.maltais says:

    I can relate to many of these thoughts. I often find it hard not to lose faith in everyone and all things. And I am the one who is called pessimist. But I totally agree with your inability to lie. If nothing else, I have my authenticity and my integrity. Thanks for sharing this post. 🙂

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