I want to learn how to love.
I feel so weird after even typing that sentence simply because I feel like that’s a weird thing to say, but I don’t think that’s a weird thing to want, is it?
I’ve always been a pretty closed off, guarded person. I didn’t realize it until people began telling me things like, “you don’t know how to take a compliment,” or, “I’ve never once heard you tell someone that you love them.” And unfortunately, both are true.
I don’t really know why I’m like that. A partial reason I can come up with is because I grew up in a house hold where affection was — and still is — rarely ever shown. I mean, when I was younger it was shown quite often. I would always hug my Mom and/or Dad and tell them I love them. Now the very thought of it just makes me uncomfortable, so I rarely ever do it, and it doesn’t really seem to bother them that it is that way either, so we just kind of don’t deal with it.
That feeling of uneasiness in expressing myself has transpired into how I view relationships, and ultimately how I treat people. I’m so content with not being in a relationship with anyone that sometimes it scares me. Like, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on receiving the love I should get sometimes. It’s hard for me to even think that I deserve it simply because I don’t think I know how to love anyone.
I don’t know. My thoughts are running circles around my brain right now.
This was my attempt at trying to make sense of them…fail.