Another Christmas…

As the days go by and it gets closer to Christmas I start to think about you… What would it be like if you were still here… Would we be away on vacation or home with the family… I imagine you sitting next to me talking about all the stupid funny little things we used to do together… The late night cookie eating… Going to see the Christmas tree… Watching Christmas movies together… Going four wheeling upstate every weekend… Homemade wine drinking…. The memories just continue to flow…

As the memories flow and cross through my head tears come down my face… Why did it have to be you… Anyone else in the world it could have been… No one understands my pain… It’s changed me losing you… I’m not the same person anymore… I blame myself… If only I could have tried harder to help you with your addiction instead of being wrapped up in my own world and being selfish… I knew you were depressed but I never thought it would kill you…

Seeing all my friends and family with their fathers kill me, especially during the holidays… They are so blessed to have them and I’m not…

I’ve turned into a complete whole different person… I went through the stages of grief… I even followed in your footsteps and started your addiction… It was horrible… I could even look at myself in the mirror… I still can’t…. I get urges just like you do… And it’s hard… I don’t even know how I manage to control them some days… Some days I just want to drown myself in the bottle… But I know that’s not the answer… That’s being stupid and a coward… Maybe that’s why I’m so angry and emotional!!

You were a COWARD dad!! You decided to take the easy way out by drinking yourself to death! Yes it happened over years, but you killed your liver and insides as the years progressed! Did you ever think of me? Or how I would be affected by it? No! Because you were being selfish! And for what? Was it worth it? Making your daughter watch you in a coma for 24 hours then die? At the age of 20 no less! I want to scream and shout at you but I can’t you’re not here! You will never be here again! All I have are memories and it sucks! Because the only memory I see in my head for the past 3 years is you laying in a hospital bed in a coma with tubes down your throat. Hearing the doctors and nurses say there is no hope! These memories haunt me every day, in my head, thoughts, dreams and every time I look at your picture! It’s just not fair!

But I don’t hate you! That’s what’s so frustrating! I love you more and more every day. A part of me died the day you passed away. It’s crazy to say that but it’s true. I just wish you could have fought off the demon that took your life. Because alcohol to me is the demon and deadly drug. Once you kill your liver from drinking there is no turning back. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. If I could you still would be here!

To all those that have lost someone you love, does it get better?

To those who have both parents, cherish it!

To those that are addicted to drugs, pills or alcohol, get help! Before its too late! The only people that suffer is your family! And it changes there lives drastically!!

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One thought on “Another Christmas…

  1. Your style is unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just book mark this site.

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