What is Love?

We are the tormentors of ourselves…. We are in emotional pain on our own accord… We cry because we struck the first blow… We die because we never learned to let go… Teasing and taunting our hearts get a beat… ‘Just leave’ a message that never gets to our feet… Loving from afar while watching love grown… That will always be harder than you will know… Saying I’ve survived another disappointment, does compare to the lack of joy you’ve felt. Heart break is a universal term… But it’s something that you just can’t warn… Laying here looking at you look for her… You say your happy… I wouldn’t concur… Satisfied might… Ring true… But joy surrealism excitement… These just won’t do… To describe your fake smile and insincere hug… Miles away is where your heart now lays… Hurt yet again because she only loved you like a friend…. Sadly near the brunt on the weight, heading once more for the exit gate… This just hurts, all too well… What is love? I just can’t tell…

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Letter To My Boyfriend

When we first met, I honestly had no idea that you would be this important to me. I really hope I’m good enough for you; at times I feel otherwise. This has been a recent feeling. . that honestly petrifies me. I begin to think that you’ll find somebody else who is “sufficient”. Someone who can give you everything and anything your heart desires, someone much better than I. Maybe I’m scared to lose you because you mean more to me than any other person. You seriously are everything I think about, & everything I want. .

I’m sorry I constantly want to speak to you, but can’t. I’m sorry that when you take a long time to write back, I get upset. I’m sorry I have a short temper, I’m working on it. I’m sorry I annoy you, I sincerely don’t mean to. I’m sorry if I’m not a perfect partner, but even perfection has its flaws. I’m sorry if I say things that stress you out or make you mad, that’s the last thing I’d like to do. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as badly as I’d like to speak to you. I’m sorry that we have opposing thoughts on how couples should act. I’m sorry if I think about you all the time and you don’t think much about me. I’m sorry I say hurtful things when I’m not at my highest peak. Saying sorry won’t fix much, but acknowledging my problems will. When I write things out I think more clearly about the situation. & I realize what exactly I can do to grow and contribute in fixing my issues. But in the end I just want somebody who I can open up to and be myself without feeling uncomfortable. I’m a complete and utter mess, so I just want someone who actually understands me & won’t mind my random rants. I want someone who treats me like I’m special even though we both know I’m not. To tell you the truth, I don’t have much to offer you. But I still will give you everything I have, even if it’s hardly anything at all to you. I will give you: loyalty, laughter, honesty, long hugs, back rubs, my point of view, support, a good conversation, a hand to hold, someone who will always be there to listen, but most importantly LOVE. & if that’s not enough, just keep in mind you’ve got all of me. I just hope that’s enough to keep you around.

I, at times wonder if you ever think of me, if you ever miss me. I shouldn’t have to ask you, & I shouldn’t have to wonder. You’re my boyfriend, you’re not just some random guy I kiss and fantasize about all hours of the day. A girlfriend should never be left feeling like this and having these thoughts. It just sucks to feel unwanted by the persons attention you seek the most. . the man I love. . you baby. & I know you’re busy. I honestly understand . . but sometimes I just don’t know what you see in me, nonetheless I’m glad you see something. I’d just like you to demonstrate it more often, just like I put in effort each day to prove to you that you’re worth it. For the first time, I’ve found someone I dislike leaving, someone that I can’t get enough of. But the overwhelming feeling that “it can all be gone in just mere seconds” is horrible without the recognition of my partner. Motivating me and telling me otherwise. I hate the idea of anyone else having you. .

We had this entire conversation. You told me you would try to work this out. & I’ve seen very minimal effort. ( Thank you so much for the effort that you have put into this. I really do appreciate it. ) My thing is just that, I never leave you wondering if I miss you. I never leave you wondering how much I love you. . Now where is that mutual compassion and understanding from you?

Right now, the only thing I’m certain about is that I love you. & I doubt that’s enough for you at the moment. . I’m just afraid that one day you will wake up and just say “I can do much better than her”. . but I promise you, as long as you’re trying, I’m staying. It’s not about having a picture perfect relationship. It’s about finding someone who will be there through everything. . without giving up. & I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it. . I haven’t wanted something this bad in so long. . I can’t just let this get away without fighting to have it and keep it. I don’t want to let go of you. I just don’t. Love isn’t about whom you can see yourself with. It’s about who you can’t picture yourself without. .

& after all of this I still do love you. I love you from the tip of your toes to the tippy top of your head, for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you’re yet to be. I was told to never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. I have that drive to work this out. I have that drive to keep on trying, to keep moving forward. Now, where’s yours?

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Can We Change Men?

Ladies and gentlemen: I finally have the pieces to the puzzle. What puzzle might you ask? The puzzle that explains why women want to change men.

As an active member of the Christian Culture Center (CCC), a church located in Brooklyn, N.Y., there are times I may not make it to church every Sunday (please Lord do not crucify me lol), but I will review videos on the site. A friend of mine told me to check out a video discussing women and men, and how they relate to one another.

My first tidbit: Relationships are the networks of life.

There is NO WAY anyone of us will strive upward on the ladder of success without a helping hand. In college professors and advisors all stress the importance of networking. The faster we learn we need each other the better our world will be. Somewhere between generations, we’ve lost the importance of growing and learning together.

However, how can we grow together if we do not know how? Three words: wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Wisdom is defined as an action of applying experience, knowledge and good judgment. Understanding is defined as the ability to perceive the intended meaning of words and actions. Last but certainly not least, knowledge, which is defined as information and skills acquired through experience and education. According to senior pastor of CCC, A.R. Bernard, wisdom builds, understanding establishes and knowledge fills. Yet, understanding is the major component of it all. Without understanding we are unable to discern the bigger picture.

Take men and women for instance, our biggest roadblock is the perception we build because we lack understanding of one another. Lets say there are two young adults both early to mid-twenties. The young woman has a degree, while the young man may not have finished or even attempted to purse a degree, a trade or something of the sort. The man may either feel: 1. The woman is out of his league or 2. He is incompetent to provide for her at the time. He either decides to end communication or tell the woman he cannot be whom she want and/or need at the moment. All the woman hears is that this man does not want to be with her. Why? Because she lacks understanding that he needs to better himself to be a good man in the future. She proceeds to react rather than respond.

Second tidbit: Women instead of trying to change a man, why don’t you learn to understand the man.

God created Eve to bring out the best man in Adam, not to change him. As woman we are suppose to compliment a man. The famous quote goes as following, “Behind every great man there is a woman.” The quote does not say the woman changed a man. Of course one must change in order to grow. Conversely ladies, it is not your job to change a man. A man needs you to love him for whom he is.

So I’ve told you why a woman should not change a man, but now I will explain to you why woman want to change a man.

Third tidbit: Women have an innate characteristic (or maybe responsibility) to redeem mankind.

According to A.R. Bernard, after sin entered the world Eve became the symbol of redemption. Redemption is defined as the thing that saves someone from sin or error. Women are led to believe we can redeem a man, save a man from sins or errors. Eve, who was once the blame for sin, became the symbol of redemption. Biblically speaking, women have an innate characteristic to redeem mankind.

In other words because women have the innate trait to redeem mankind, we tend to want to redeem the man. We hope that we can save the man from sinning or from making errors. We don’t think we are changing you, we believe we are making you a better person. However, because there is a lack of understanding, the man believes she is forcing him to change. If both men and women take the time to truly understand one another then they may comprehend the other’s approach.

My personal opinion: there is miscommunication and a lack of understanding.

Things women NEED to know:

Women we cannot change men
What you see is what you are going to get
Marriage is not a construction project
Only God can change a man
It is your duty to bring out the best in the man, rather than change him
Find a man who has vision and UNDERSTADNING to see that you are trying to bring out the best in him

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Rihanna in Elle UK

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Rihanna graces the cover of the April issue of ELLE UK. She unapologetically states she intends to keep Chris Brown in her life. While skimming through Twitter I came across several comments such as:

“Guess being a role model to other girls/women isn’t important to her. Live your life, including the results of bad decisions. Less being a role model to other girls/women isn’t important to her. Live your life.”
“She ought to be embarrassed of herself.”
I am not ashamed to say I am a HUGE Rihanna fan. I am also not ashamed to say I am far from disappointed or judgmental of her choice to continue her relationship with Brown. I do believe it is time to forgive Brown.

First let me say in no way am I condoning abuse (physical or emotional). I’ve witnessed many occurrences, and to an extent I do believe once a beater always a beater. However, I also believe every saint has a pass and every sinner has a future. Yes I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten. I am aware that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. But who are we to judge Rihanna for her decisions?

Lets paint a vivid picture. At the time the incident transpired between Brown and Fenty, Brown was 19-years-old. I don’t know about you, but at 19-years-old I surely made A LOT of mistakes. Just imagine the worst thing you’ve done in your teens and you are now subjected to scrutiny for it, not just for one year, but four. For the last four years he has been ridiculed, outcasted and shunned. The Bible discusses the act of forgiving is —if not—the single most important thing.

Although forgiveness is easier said than done, it is imperative that we (as well as Brown) begin to practice forgiveness. When you acknowledge your unacceptable behavior many of us begin to bear a grudge against the person in the mirror. Have it ever occurred that many of Brown’s outbursts is perhaps his way of bearing his own guilt and/or regret. How can we expect him to grow up and take responsibility when society continues to shun him for his errors? People do not grow in isolation. We can only grow with human social development. By not forgiving Brown we are disobeying God’s commandments.

For those who may not be spiritual or religious simply ask yourself wouldn’t you want to be forgiving? So now you are thinking should we forgive all assailants? Yes! Because you cannot truly move forward with your life until you have truly forgiven those who trespassed against you. I am not saying every relationship should be rekindled. I am saying forgiveness is a main component in healing.

I do agree he has a temperament that should be addressed with therapy and anger management. However, I do believe it is time to forgive Brown and address his issues with love and not hate.

In addition, I must address the role model issue. I do understand once you become a celebrity you sign on the invisible line that states like it or not you are now a role model. Nonetheless, it is imperative that we help our children discern right from wrong. Because it works for Rihanna, does not mean that is what you should do. Each individual’s life is different and we must tailor our decisions based on our understanding and experience. Parents, teachers, mentors, advisors must teach our children it is okay to have a favorite celeb but it is not okay to make decisions based off their actions.

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All For A Reason

Everyday at 2:31 exactly, the suns rays shine through my window and stay for about 10 minutes, then they leave with the rest of the Earth’s rotation.

This is something I try and wait for everyday, just to see if maybe one day it’ll be a minute off or something, yet still, everyday at 2:31 it continues to reveal itself to me.

It reminds me of how precise existence is. How there is never a mistake when it comes to mother nature, and it is all meant to happen.

It also leads me to believe that we’re all here on this planet for a reason, and we were all meant to happen.

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The Pain

the pain and passion that courses thru my veins takes over my sanity.. the desire i have and thirst for success encompasses my very being.. failure is not an option in the book that i write.. change the course, change the crew.. i will do what i must to come out on top. those that i have surrounded myself with in the past have shown their colors and true intentions.. time for mingling has past as well as the bullshyt that i have spent.. getting to know one another for the simple pleasantries of socialistic expectations.. being kind and sugar coating the real deal is no longer polite.. its a waste and a drain.. the ppl that run in the circle i am used to bore me annoy me kill me.. please.. i look over the literature that has been written between you and i, i feel your words and see your dreams.. SHYT is what it all is.. an actress you should be.. those times alone that were spent were never meant or felt or real as i am.. hope ambitions loves desires.. FULL OF SHYT is the past that we have had.. the interactions the meetings the plans the goals.. LIES are what your words now amount to.. there are things in life i have never experienced according to you, time has shown me that it was no fault of my own.. i just ran in a large crowd populated by fake ppl, the sad thing is not only do you know them but you too became one of them.. the memories that once brought me to tears and damn near depression are now the fuel for my all out aggression toward achieving my success and happiness that is duly mine.. you were never more than a deviation off course.. a simple waste of time..

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All A Dream

Laying in bed with the sheets touching our bare skin… The silk traces my silhouette so elegantly… The arch in by back emphasized dramatically as you lay with my hands wandering up your thighs… The yellow of my skin is contrasted starkly with the shadows that spy from the corners of the room.. The places the soft glowing lamp do not reach… Humming gently, playing a soft melodic tune, the radio keeps time with my heart beat… Rolling to the side that stays vacant we toss around the queen size playground… Enjoying the moment yet yearning for more… Sounds dim out as the beat speeds up… Images so bright and distorted flash behind lids closed tightly… Grasping and gasping for yet another minute of pleasure a small whoosh of air escapes the soft lips that once were kissed… Too soon the feelings felt, to fast the excitement came, to real to be a dream yet I wake up blinking one in the same… Turning to look at the digital read 1:45 am… I pull the blanket tight around me to block the chill of the fan, close my eyes and pray for that feeling once again…

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