Tag Archives: Childhood

My Bed

As a child, all you can really do is dream. You dream of touching the stars, digging to China, and finding the cure to cancer. As a young child, you’re allowed to do a lot more than you are when you grow up. You can play in the rain naked without being arrested for Public Nudity. You can doodle in class and get an A+ instead of an F. If you show up late because you slept too late, it’s ok, the playdate will just go a little later than usual. But now we’re grown up. I can’t show up late to my appointments, doodle on my paperwork, and for the sake of those around me-I promise to keep my clothes on in public. Things stop being cute and innocent, and they become serious. The only things we have to hold on to from our childhood are our dreams.

Dreams begin when you close your eyes, and let your mind wander. Your bed welcomes you into a comforting state of sleep where you lay peacefully. Your dreams grow wilder and wilder as the days go on. They transform from rainbows and unicorns to events you wish could happen, or to that perfect someone you just can’t get off your mind. Your dreams even begin to turn on you and stress you out-because even your dreams grow up. You wake up in the morning and ponder about the crazy happenings of your mind. You start the day right where you ended it-in your bed.

Your bed is the treasure chest of your deepest secrets. It is the safe haven that will welcome you home every night, and wait patiently for you to return later that evening. It holds every wish you’ve made on a star, every tear you’ve shed before falling asleep, and every dream that you’ve dared to dream.

So, why would I ever let you intrude on this? Why should I welcome you into the most vulnerable place of my home, of my heart? This bed wasn’t meant for you to sleep in, these sheets haven’t blanketed your body before. In fact, my mind hasn’t welcomed you into the deepest pits of its thoughts. My heart has not given you the key to my treasure chest where my childhood runs ramped with unicorns and rainbows, all of which is stored safely in the comforts of my bed.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned when it comes to my strong belief in waiting till marriage, but look at my small, twin-sized bed. For now, I am too young to share this bed with you. It was designed to protect me, and only me. When I’m older and I have met someone who understands this, he will wrap me in white and gold. My father will pass me off into his hands, and he will carry me over the threshold of my new home. He will lay me down into a new bed, one meant to cherish the responsibility of two hearts’ dreams. And in this bed, new dreams will form and new treasures will be stored. This bed will be grown up, more mature than my twin-sized bed. It will be able to welcome both of us home, and it will be able to warm both of us effortlessly on even the coldest of nights. This bed will protect both of us, while my twin-sized bed will move on to another little girl whose dreams still chase after the stars, dig to China, and find the cure to cancer.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Child’s Innocence

This is truly a really hard and gruesome topic to talk about. But it needs to be addressed! Everyday a child somewhere in the world might be going through this. It’s called a abuse. When I day abuse I mean sexual abuse at a very young age. Whether its by a stranger, someone they know or a family member. It’s sad to say but in most cases it’s by someone they know or a family member.

The reason I’m bringing this gruesome topic up is because I know someone who it happened to! It’s so hard to type and come to terms with but I was. And it wasn’t by a stranger. It was by a family member. It all started as far back as I remember, maybe 4 or 5 years old. It started by a little game of come play with me, and of course as a young child you always want someone to play with especially if they are older and you look up to that person. He would say to me, let me play with your hair and play dress up with you like you do with your Barbies. I was so naive and young I isn’t pay no mind to it. But then the touching started. It started from touching my chest, to trying to touch and play with me down below. As I got older and started to understand, I became angry with the person and told someone. That’s when it stopped. This went on until I was about 12 years old.

Sometimes I still get nightmares about what happened. To this today I can’t look the person in the eyes anymore because I know as well as he of what he did to me. But whats worse is that I found out that I’m not the only family member he has done this to. This has affected me in life in so many ways. It makes me think is this why I have so many trust issues, why I was sexually assaulted when I was 18, why I let myself end up in an abusive relationship? But lastly it makes me think that on top of the abusive relationship and being sexually assaulted, is this the real reason that I don’t know how to or if I am truly satisfying my boyfriend when we have sex? All these thoughts come to my mind every day.

Because of being abused at such a young age it has affected me mentally, I don’t know how to be a female at times, I sometimes forget what’s right an what’s wrong. I’m always on the defensive side with everyone. And I don’t like to open up to anyone. I keep to myself and close up. I want my boyfriend to understand everything I’ve been through but sometimes I don’t think he gets it. This is why I write.

It is never ok to touch a child in an inappropriate way. Being of victim of this I get so scared of having children. I don’t want my son or daughter to ever go through what I went through. But the one mistake I made was waiting so long to speak up. If you are a parent please talk to your child every day. Don’t let your child fall victim to what I fell to or what thousands of innocent children fell to. It’s not something they will ever get over or ever be able to cope with. Child abuse needs to stop! So as a victim of abuse I am finally becoming a voice and speaking up!!!

Tagged , ,