Tag Archives: feelings

Damaged Heart

You may be capable of forgiving, but the forgetting part is out of your hands. Forgiveness is nothing to scoff at though, it takes a hell of a person with a mighty generous heart to experience some type of traumatizing betrayal and accept an apology. And people can be ruthless, so it’s not a given that you’ll even receive an apology at all. It forces us to deal with the wrongdoings internally before we can move on with life. Still — as difficult as forgiving may be, it’s ultimately up to you. The forgetting however, is not.

People seem less and less thoughtful about their actions. A moment of pleasure is constantly being chosen over potential years of reliability and happiness. Then, when the flash of indulgence is over, consideration for what has been done begins. People may start to feel bad; others may just feel scared that the truth will come out. For some it will take being caught to find out, for others, their conscious forces them to confess, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

So whatever happened is now carved into your brain. It has left an unpleasantly deep wound that hurts regardless or apologies, excuses or explanations. You’re officially damaged and what people fail to realize is that it’s permanent. Playing with emotions, cheating, screwing people over, breaking trust – these things are taken lightly nowadays, and I can’t fathomwhy. When you do any of those things to a person, you are leaving them emotionally disabled for some time. We rehabilitate and when we do eventually “get over” things, all that means is that we’ve figured out a way to walk without each step hurting. But we’re well aware that if we walk a certain way, it might tweak the previous injury. Or even worse, tear the same wound wide open.

The lasting effects are simply inevitable.  You’ve learned to get along pain free because you walk with a limp to remain comfortable — and after so long, you make a habit of it. It’s second nature to get by the way you get by, until someone comes along and makes you consider trying that old method. The technique that broke you in the first place.

It can be hard, especially if the person trying to sweep you off your feet is doing everything so freakin’ perfect. It’d almost be better if they’d just mess up or show some awful red flag so we can get out of being vulnerable early on. Happiness with a person is too good to be true — it’s unfathomable that a person is genuinely concerned over you and has no ulterior motives that’ll cut you down eventually. That’s when we realize the extend of the previous damage, and just how broken we are. At times, a previously shattered heart has absolutely no idea how to respond to genuine care and affection, which is truly unfortunate. The person or people from the past who’ve hurt you still linger, even long after they’re gone.

One time is all it takes. Once you’ve been damaged, you don’t fully recover, so much as you teach yourself to cope. The wounds are there, the lessons are learned, the memories are engraved, and you’ve got to decide if you want to do it all over again – or if you’re even capable of that. A damaged heart is tentative and that’s got to be clear to anyone seeking to win you over. On your own time, as you’re ready, you’ll have to drop the crutches, dip your toes in to test the waters, and, when the time is right, love hard as you loved before.

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How can someone have total control over your heart…

I mean how can someone make you feel dead when they’re not near you…

But so alive when they hold you…

How can someone can total control over your thoughts…

I mean how can someone be the first thing on your mind…

When you wake up and the last thing before you close your eyes…

How can someone have total control over your body…

I mean how can someone touch you so gently…

And pure as if they know you too well…

How can they own your mind, body and soul…

I mean how is it possible to miss them even when they’re right next to you…

And feel as if in every kiss you fall more in love…

Like you can take over the world…

And when you’re together time doesn’t exist…

And when you lay together…

It’s not just laying down…

It’s appreciating every second of that moment because that person…

Is YOUR soulmate…

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As I open the door
He sits so poised
The day on his face
In need of a smile and a taste
His eyes are warming
And his smell is enticing
As we move in
And give that “hello” greeting
His smile meets his ears
As his mind races
Through and through
Grande’s and Venti’s
Moca’s and Latte’s
It’s cold it’s hot
It smelled of coffee
In the coffee shop
Determination and conversations
frustrations and new revelations
My eyes are deceiving
My body language
Is he reading
I don’t drink coffee
Can’t even stand the smell
Undressing him with my eyes
I feel like I’m in hell
So many things I want to say
They just won’t come out
Scared of his reaction
He just might drop out
10 mins to 4hrs
I sit patiently waiting
To open up
To be real
To wanting to show him how I feel
My insides are screaming
“Do it already!!”
But for the fear of rejection
I kep calm and steady
Love’s my enemy
I don’t want to rush fast
But this connection we have
It just happened in a flash
I know it’s just me
Could it possibly be?
Tongue tied
My words come out wrong
And unspoken
I feel like I’m at an amusement park
And I’m bout to use my last token
It’s all or nothing
And my nerves have me shot
The rain against the window
The path to my car it blocked
Don’t want to leave you
In the 1st place
I admired you
The rain makes me giddy
I’ll admire you from a far
Don’t want it to end
I wish we were stuck in our little rain jar
How I wish you could see inside me
Really inside me
And as we run to our cars
And I take that last look back
I’ll remember the coffee shop
And your eyes on my back

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Girl Feelings

There’s always a part of me that has assumed that all girls, no matter what kind of girl they are or what kind of experiences they’ve had, essentially think the same way about guys. We may express it differently—some girls are clingier, some girls are more aloof, but ultimately we all have the same fantasies of what we want a relationship to look like. And they all pretty much look like Meg Ryan chick flicks.

From the moment I started liking guys, I’ve fashioned myself in my head to look like a low-maintenance girl type. I don’t need a guy to take me on a lot of dates. I don’t really care about gifts. And I don’t need to make phone calls on a regular basis. I can go out, hook up, come back, and not really give a hoot about it later. That’s how I thought of myself before anything actually happened to me.

But shit did happen to me, and after all of it I can only conclude that I happen to be the exact opposite kind of person that I thought. I get clingy, I develop feelings rapidly, I enjoy cuddling for too long, and I do secretly want to see romantic gestures. When I’m single, I tend to envision myself with people I already know, rather than faceless hot men who I haven’t met yet. I will go from having no attraction to anyone but one person, to having crushes on about 8 people at once. I am 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. What a basketcase, right?

So what does that mean? Do all girls our age want their lives to look like chick flicks? I’m trying to find something to disprove this, but as of late I honestly can’t think of a single example of someone who breaks this mold. Either the girl appears aloof but is still holding out for something magical, or they hook up to boost their self-esteem while avoiding the ultimate anxiety they have about finding a perfect romance, or they are in totally non-casual relationships.

I’ve recently had the opportunity to think about this from a guy’s point of view. How rough it must be to go out on a dance floor only to meet a girl who wants a five minute DFMO and nothing more! How disheartening to be strung along by someone who is desperate for a relationship and yet doesn’t see you as fitting the mold!

But I have to say, that whole perspective doesn’t really work for me either. I don’t think guys are right (though they may feel justified) in going around thinking that all girls are bitches. More often than not, I’ll start out having zero feelings for a person who is interested in me and then develop them the moment I realize they are interested in me. Does that make me more desperate? Or cold? Do other people think like this? What is up with that?

Back to the chick flick thing. It seems there’s some sort of expectation in society for girls to act dumb about their feelings. Having recently watched Friends with Benefits and Bridesmaids and that other movie with Natalie Portman that is exactly like Friends with Benefits, there is definitely a pattern among movies where girls are always the clueless ones who don’t know what they want and avoid their feelings and the guy always has to be all like, “Why are you making this so complicated?”

I have two theories about this. One is that this is based on truth. Girls are stupid when it comes to relationships, despite other stereotypes that would indicate that our male counterparts are the clueless ones. I don’t know what I want until I can’t have it, which is why I am frequently attracted to men who I initially reject.

The second is that girls like to watch movies in which the guy has to go through extra pains to win them over, because real life isn’t like this and we all wish the responsibility could just fall on them. The perfect guy should have all the answers, but actual people are never like this.

So which is it? What do people think? Is my love life going to be doomed by chick flicks, or can someone give me another perspective on this?

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Ok, we come to the commonplace problem here. It is a usual situation when most girls chase love from the bad boys, although in the other side there’s a Mr. nice guy who want her desperately and surely will make her secure with his love. Those girls will always falling in love with the jerks then they’ll break the Mr. nice guy’s heart, and then they’ll end up with broken hearted. Kind of funny huh?

Why girls always falling in love with the jerks? That’s simple, it is because those jerks found more attractive compared to Mr. nice. Most girls think that Mr. nice is boring, they will give everything what girls want, and in some cases Mr. nice is not (ahem) charming…  that’s why we always choose the bad guy to be loved.

There are some points of bad guys that make girls crazily falling in love with them. Those points are from what most girls experienced (and of course me), so here we go.

  1. They are confident. Yep, they are. They have confidence in everything they do, how they behave, the way they walk, and especially they way they talk to us.
  2. They are adventurous. We think that adventurous guys are more interesting. Their rebellious attitude will make us fell excited. Yeah, because most girls hate someone dull.
  3. They know how to talk with women. This is the main reason why we falling in love with jerks. They know how to start a conversation with us. They know what joke will make us laugh and what phrases will make us blushing. They just do it very well, and we guess they are and expert in this. Good talks, and then we fall in love.

So, what should Mr. nice do? No.., don’t be a jerk if you want your crush love you. I think you just need to turn down your bore level. Yeah, it is true that most girl love jerks, but remember that they will choose nice guy to be married. There will be a time when girls get tired of broken hearted. In that time they will surely look for a nice guy to be their soul mate.

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You could never tell your heart who to love. Who to forget, You can’t pick am memory and live in it. You can’t predict your future and wait for it. We have no idea who will enter our lives. We have no control who will exit either. We are not really sure about anything. Because the truth is everything can change in the blink of an eye. So I’m just wondering if my feelings for you are temporary. Because things change. If they are, why are they exactly the same. Why am I the only one changing…

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Sometimes you let go of that one person you actually want. Because holding onto them meant losing yourself. Every grip you gave a piece of you is left on a sidewalk abandoned. By the time you’ve realized, you’re far too ahead to pick those pieces up. And so you feel lost. And confused. You feel as is your a stranger living in your body invading your own space and mind. Searching for a soul that no longer seems familiar. So you blame those that never stopped you from holding on. Instead of blaming the one person that let you hold on. That dragged you for far too long. The person that never bothered looking back at you. That never saw your worth. Never realized you always had their back. That person lives inside you. That person is you. Because the truth is we are all responsible for our own feelings. Sometimes you let go of that one person you actually want. Because holding onto them meant losing yourself. But the truth is. You don’t lose yourself. You find the stronger you, you never knew existed.

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