ph: Nevena Popovic
My love story is ridiculous, and after a year and a half, it finally ended. No, my boyfriend didn’t break up with me. No, my almost lover didn’t dump me. No, my sex-buddy didn’t leave me. But the only boy I’ve truly ever loved, my best friend, hurt me. Let me down. Broke my heart for the first time ever.
It all started at a Christmas party with friends. He was my other best friend’s ex, but they weren’t together when we had met and I therefore didn’t pay attention to his existence… until that night. We sat on that couch and talked for hours about what he wanted out of life and what he planned to do with his career; we talked about what I was getting into at school and what I hoped my future held. I didn’t think much about him for about a week until we find ourselves together again at a chick-fil-a sandwiched with another couple. We stood in the parking-lot for another hour after and talked. I knew then that he was different and that my heart had been waiting for him.
After that night we became practically inseparable. He’d pick me up after work and we’d go eat dinner, go to movies, and everything else in the universe that was coupley… except for becoming a couple. I finally sucked it up and told him how I felt to have him tell me he just wanted to be friends. Okay, I could handle that. Too bad we went about two months not speaking to and avoiding each other like the plague. But we finally found ourselves back to each other and became closer than ever, and more complicated than ever. It wasn’t until last November that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had fallen head-over-heels in love with him. It was the most incredible and suffocating feeling I’d ever felt in my entire life. I wasn’t used to caring so strongly for any guy and it terrified me, but I let it go and just kept acting normal.
Fast-forward six months. After a million conversations with both my friends and FAMILY telling me that he was in love with me I got fed up. Why the hell does he get to act the way he does and make me feel the way I do, and then when the “big question” comes up he can throw the friend card down and get away with it?! It’s ridiculous. The boy has taken me to meet his family, my family has taken him on vacation with us, he threw me a surprise birthday party, calls and texts me all the time… Like, seriously? Seriously?!
I took a last stab at telling how I felt last month. He didn’t say much about it except that he didn’t want it to affect our friendship, and yet continued to lead me on and treat me just like his girlfriend and made complete strangers question our “friend” status. It all got to be too much. And I knew that something was up this week when he didn’t call. Didn’t text. Didn’t facebook. Nothing. He’d spent all week with our other two close friends. Girls; girls that knew all my deepest secrets and feelings about him. They told him how I REALLY felt. That I was in love with him. They TOLD HIM. Some friends, huh? He told me this afternoon that he didn’t want to do anything alone anymore. No more dinners together. No more movies. No more coupley things that didn’t involve other people. Other people being our two friends. How coincidental. He no longer wants to hang out with our married friends because that sends a “wrong idea” to me.
Needless to say I’ve never cried so hard in all my life. Not only have I lost my closest friends and confidants, I have also lost my first true love because as immature as it sounds, I’m done. I’m done with feelings so hurt and confused and let down. Done; I’m done.
Thank you for listening to my story.
Whenever I hear this word or when/if it comes to mind, I honestly shudder and get an immediate negative vibe. Why do you ask? Because I despise flirts. Not just any flirts, but flirts who unabashedly flirt with somebody who is already taken. More specifically, women who flirt with males who are taken.
Coming from personal experience, it still baffles me that even when I have entered my twenties, I still encounter selfish young ladies/women who outwardly flirt with gentlemen who are taken. Whether I be hearing this problem come up in my other girlfriends’ relationships, or encountering it in my own, having another female unnecessarily flirt is never a good thing. What is just as bad are the ladies who flirt but try to play it off as: “No way! He’s like a brother to me!” Or the crowd favourite: “I’m only trying to be friendly.“
Nuh uh, girlfriend. Being a “sister” or “friendly” does not entail the following:
This list could go on forever, but I think you readers get the point. The first question I ask is why? Why do countless of ladies everywhere do this? Don’t you have any respect for your fellow woman? It just shocks me that ladies think it is perfectly acceptable to go ahead and excessively batt their eyelashes and flirt like there is no tomorrow.
Personally, I see it as being very insecure and desperately seeking attention, or, just being plain vindictive, selfish and evil. Perhaps the conscience of these types of women do not kick in, or, their id is going into overdrive. Whatever it is, it isn’t good and should not be tolerated.
What is even worse, though, is when our gentleman friends accepts it and flirts right back, but that’s a whole other story for another time.
So to all you ladies out there encountering this problem, I feel for ya’ll. Do not tolerate this kind of behaviour, and you should definitely do something to squash this petty problem before it gets bigger and grows into a difficult problem that may break your relationship. Believe me, you will want to nip that flirtatious she-devil in the bud before she
sinks her claws overtakes your relationship. Besides, if your SO continues to tolerate it, or doesn’t find any means to stop it, then he’s most likely seeking attention just as equally and is a waste of your TLC and energy.
Know your own worth, my fellow ladies! Save yourself the drama and heartache, and confront these flirts head on. You will definitely come out of the situation a stronger and happier woman, and hopefully, with a healthier and better relationship.
I want someone that can accept who I am and who I was… Because the truth is I don’t have such a pleasant past… But its made me the beautiful person I am today… So my past… Is still part of me… If you can’t accept my past… That means you’re only choosing to love half of me… And I want someone that can love all of me… I want someone that can accept I hate shopping… And that I don’t care how I look to others… Fuck looking cute and complimenting each other… Lets compliment our happiness… I like to laugh out loud in public and do silly things that make us look insane… But happy… Really happy… I want someone that know I have a hamper that’s over flowing with insecurities… That I’m intimidated by those I actually like… And a nervous wreck when they stand close enough to hear me breathe… Which is probably stupid but I want someone who can work with me on that… Someone to make me feel comfortable and beautiful… I like to lay on grass, and take random walks, and go on random dates and adventures… I just want someone that’s ready for that ride… That wouldn’t mind doing those things… With me… I don’t want someone perfect… I’m not perfect myself… I’m clumsy as fuck… I tend to trip over self esteem all the time… I’m corny… And annoying and sometimes hardheaded and stubborn… I want someone with flaws so I won’t feel like a complete mess around them… I want someone that can help me pick up the pieces to build an “us”… The way we want… And even if things get bumpy and conversations turn into arguments… I want someone to stick around and fix things… Rather than walking away with the tool box… I mean we can be partners in this… Whatever it is… Screw a relationship… We don’t have to call it that… We can call it whatever we want… As long as its just us… You and me… Accepting the misunderstanding is us…
I’m not a liar. Someone told me the other day in order to be a millionaire we need to sell someone a dream.
I didn’t feel comfortable with that because I think most people are looking for the quick fix. How is that my problem? It isn’t, that’s where your conscience takes over, if at all. Mine does.
It’s not that hard to sell a dream really. You give away something for free, you entice them into wanting more, you tell them it is for a limited time only and they will miss out if they don’t buy it right now!
They say, to figure out your purpose in life and you will be healthy, wealthy and wise, maybe even happy. Happy may have been the initial goal however greed may take over at some point.
Inform them, let them do with the information as they will. You walk away with the cash and they are left to their own devices with no resources. Take away negative people and create better mindsets like your own.
How many people do you really know who have your specific mindset? At minimum if you’re lucky they carry the same values, perhaps the same beliefs and if religion plays a part in all of this, you’ll have a real party going on won’t you? You’ll belong.
Yet all the things you believe, right here, right now were fed to you in some way by someone else which you absorbed without question. To not believe without question may make you an outcast, an outsider, maybe even alone. And who wants to rock the boat? You could say I am above the curve because the only true beliefs that I have, at this current moment are:
People are self serving.
People do what they do because it yields them a return of some kind.
If they can talk about you behind your back or to your face and get away with it, they will.
If it’s malicious in nature you will be told you need to develop a thicker skin because the world is a difficult place and only the fittest survive. And all this, despite your tears.
You will be told that your expectations are too high, have none. So are you giving up choice when you have no expectations or are you allowing someone else to do whatever they want to you while you get nothing in return?
Remember people are self serving. They do what they do, good, bad or indifferent because it gives them what they want. Love, money, happiness, friends, prestige.
And it’s from the goodness of their heart. You are a good person if you do nice things. So you do nice things. When it doesn’t yield you the results you want or the love what happens next? What can happen is people will take you for granted and then you will be tap, tap, tapping on your keyboard. Just like me.
Wondering why being good didn’t work.
Me, Me, Me.
The reality is, as of late, I have realized that I’m not much different. I am resentful, highly skeptical and have little faith in other human beings. They change too quickly and I notice how much others are drawn in when they like me.
The bad thing is I don’t want to be liked that much, I don’t want the responsibility of it all. I don’t mind it for a little while but over time? To be a keeper, a confidant, the one who supports for an indefinite amount of time while I get what in return.
Because I am self serving too. I want what I want, when I want it and when it’s not what I want, I can engage in idle chit chat and I marvel at others who really seem to mean the things they say and do. Like I once did.
I do nice things. Don’t misunderstand. Again, they are all surface things and while I mean well, I don’t have feeling attached to it. Since I don’t have it for myself it’s not that difficult to push someone else away who needs it when what?
They are not what I want. Because I want what I want. Much like all the self serving people I discuss here who are going about their life, forgetting I exist and moving on, teaching me that we are truly self serving and care about our own needs first and foremost and once those needs are met, they move on.
While I try not to do that, I can see how it happens. Which, in part, because it’s been done to me, is why I have all this resentment trapped inside.
They take and take and take. And you know, sometimes I take too because I assume the person giving is fine. Nothing substantial is ever taken, to my knowledge from them. I am not that evil in nature.
I call friends now and then to talk. Yes, about me. They tell me I call only to talk about me. Well, then maybe it would occur to them to call me now and then. Maybe we all need to learn to call someone when we don’t need something but to see how they are. I’ve tried that. I am the only one who calls though, so I stopped.
I have always been the one who calls though. Because despite my protests, relationships are important to me. I miss them but I don’ t think I truly understand them at all. What I do feel is that they are all self serving.
You make me happy, I’ll make you happy and we’ll live happily ever after and all the while I regress further back into my mind. Like a child who wishes the world was a better place. Wondering if I was loved more as a child, would I be different today?
If someone showed up, the miracle I mentioned the other day and gave me everything I ever wanted from a human being. Would I let them in, or push them away before getting too close or letting them in.
I am truly tired of feeling my heart open and shut. It is mostly shut. I try to relax, I try to be open, I do an excellent surface performance with my social mask.
Makes me feel like I am lying. Because as soon as I turn away, my smile is gone. What’s worse is, I never intended to be this way and I can’t quite figure out how to stop it from getting worse. Simply because, every where I look and in everything I see, people are self serving.
So am I. My needs aren’t being met either and I resent them all for not seeing it. I resent those who assume we are friends after a short period of time because one day that will change and they will go. It’s how that works.
People don’t stay. Because they are self serving. Why shouldn’t I be self serving. It is, apparently, what makes the world go round.
Longevity in a relationship is a foreign animal to me. That’s a shame.
I have been hiding out in a way. The superficial, nice connections, I have made are sufficient at best to entertain me. Only, I don’t want to be entertained. It’s a placebo for a live relationship and for the life of me, I know how to find someone. It isn’t that hard.
I mentioned I have a personality. I don’t do mean things. I do, however, stand up for my beliefs. As it should be.
I have realized that if a person I happen to meet in the social network is across the other side of the world, that would be ridiculous to cultivate anything further than a friendship. Although, interestingly enough, people from other places, seem so much nicer then where I’m from.
My point is in those cases, it’s not so much a lack of trust. It’s about not creating an emotional connection with a person who lives on the other side of the world. So I am guarded. They are nice people, so it seems.
I don’t know them all that well. So, it’s speculation at best.
I have not come up with an answer. People are people.
What does bother me is how one person, who does something bad, to another can make such a significant impact on me. It could be the number of times. I’m a aware of that. Each time something happens, that hurts, it revives other things and it feels bad.
I don’t like that. I am not sure how to deal with it.
So. I hide. I make superficial conversations and I wish things were different. I do not know what else to do.
This, is a shame. I know it’s a shame.
I am not a joiner.
I know what I like.
I find I reach out to the opposite sex for companionship and conversation. They are, after all, geographically undesirable. It’s accidental. You can’t chose who you meet when they pop up and you talk and they’re pleasant.
Some of them are downright amusing. I would like to meet them in real life. There must be people like this in my vicinity.
I had a couple beers this evening. I am officially a light weight. Which is fine. I had begun drinking to appease myself at night and not think for a few months. I know when to stop.
While I enjoy social networks, they are a placebo for real life. They, as with anything, have their place. I am appeased with the banter and conversation.
Some people are still good. They are not completely self serving. I see a mixture in personalities, which is good. It alleviates my thought process that all people are self serving.
People like you for how you make them feel. I agree. I wish I did not feel cold inside. It’s almost as if I’m fighting feeling better. The only reason I push it back down, feeling good, is because it doesn’t last. Something happens and it goes astray.
Sometimes I make that happen. Based on other’s behavior. As one should. Married people. No need to be so friendly with me. It irritates me. I am not your band aid for your bad marriage. I am a human being and do not need to be included in your drama. It is, that simple.
I’m looking at pictures from various members to get a feel for them. When I do meet someone, I need a particular person. You sense this from them. I want that, whatever that feeling is for me, I want that. The good ones, not the ones I seem to attract. Unfortunately, the ones I attract and am drawn to have the bad gene trait as well.
Again. If I do not get this right, I could be alone indefinitely. I do not want that. Not way down deep inside. I have to learn to trust again. I am working on that, despite my outpouring of thoughts here.
I miss who I used to be. Yet, I know myself better now then ever before. It’s about really seeing things for how they are.
I had a friend I lost recently. No, they didn’t die. We parted ways due to a difference of opinion. One that was not able to be remedied. Apparently. It was for the best. I remind myself of this. It’s not stubborn pride either.
It was for the best. They say, if you let something go and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. It’s a platitude. I know. This individual will not come back. They dug their heels. As did I. It’s okay. I understand.
I miss them from time to time.
It makes me sad.
Give, give, give.
But giving never comes without expectations. It’s never on purpose, you don’t give thinking “I want XYZ in return” (some people do, but that’s beside the point). But when you give, you have faith in that person, and faith in itself is an expectation, no?
I will lose myself in order to find a smile, a solution for the people I love. No expectations. That’s what I thought. I had faith in them. Faith that they wouldn’t leave me standing when I needed a wall to keep me up. When I went to look for that wall all I found was rubble, leaving me let down and alone.
Conclusion = Subconscious Expections
Today I lost that faith.
In the past year, I feel like I have given all that I could give to my friendships, stood up when I could barely stand myself, gave them my shoulder when I needed one for my own tears, threw my work out the window to give them time when I had no time to give. Now, I feel as though I stand alone in a sea of rubble.
When you give everything, do you give too much?
Now, I feel as though there is no reason to keep faith in friends. Should there be?
Stand alone, and the only person who’ll let you down is yourself. Stand in an army, and your life is in their hands.
One by one, the walls that I felt protected me, left me vulnerable. Everyone started to think of themselves, for themselves and forgot what lay in our friendship. They soon put that faith into another relationship, into another person. Here, leaving me without a voice.
Don’t ever forget your voice.
Those who speak, receive. Those who are silent, suffer slowly.
I don’t want to lose faith in people. But is too late?
Have I given so much, that I have left myself no self respect?
After my post on different dating theories I still couldn’t shake the idea that women view dating so differently. It then got me thinking about how some women are so competitive when it comes to dating. It’s all….”I’m dating 5 guys at the moment and it’s becoming so difficult, who should I choose when they are all so great” or “I am dating this fireman and he tells me how beautiful I am every hour”. Who the fuck cares! I understand with men that there is something biological that makes them contend with each other but now women too?
I think competition among friends happens subconsciously, I know I am guilty of it, especially when it comes to sex, which is not hard as I am pretty sure I am the kinkiest and smuttiest among my girlfriends but compared to others out there I would probably come off very charlotte. Why do we do this to each other? Are we that insecure in our lives that we need to bring each other down, or are we just reminding ourselves that we are great. Do we need validation for our choices from each other?
Which brings me back to the comparisons girls make on each other. God we can be bitches sometimes. I have a friend who is a successful woman who is extending herself for the sake of multi dating. I have to admit, I judged her as she was driving herself to sickness with spending every night either working late or dating. For some reason I thought she was meeting so many new men just to keep up with me and my tallying number. But I was wrong; she was doing it because she was ready to meet someone who deserved her.
I felt awful and really shouldn’t have been so quick to judge. It was like comparing gymnastics to shotput (yes, I have been watching the London Olympics). I would hate it if I knew someone was comparing me to how they would date, when they had no idea what my back story is and what I am trying to win. We should be supporting our each other in winning a gold medal (love) or even for just participating in the race that is finding that special someone.
I lay here, our bodies naked, pressed against each other, and I never want it to end. Each kiss feels so perfect, every stroke of your hand down my ass and onto my legs make me shiver, the feel of my hands moving across your body, so beautiful.
You lay your head on my stomach, and I massage your neck, your shoulders, your scalp. Try to ease the tension of your days, relax your racing mind, help your body be at rest. To lay there, being the one to caress the days away for you, to feel the perfectness that is you, here with me, to hear you moan as I work the kinks out of your neck….it’s all so, well, so amazing.
To leave is not fair, I do not want to go. I want to stay there, move my whole life into yours. Never have to let you go each night, to wake up and see your face, to kiss those lips. To be there when you get home, to ask how your day ways, to see the children run up and hug you.
Sadly, I am going home now. I put on my shoes, I kiss you goodbye, embrace in a hug, oh wait, I hold on tighter, press into your body, oh how beautiful this feels. And yet, we have to let go of each other. Kiss those lips one more time, put my head down in sadness, and make my way to my car.
Weak in the knees, a smile on my face. I look back at your window, I say quietly, Good night baby, I love you. Vision blurry, trying to gain focus of the night sky. I’m still in awe at how you make me feel. How in so little time, I know the feelings that are coming over me. I’ve felt true love before, I do not fear this, only fear a heartbreak. But, I will not fight this, I will let this come to be, to be in love is a blessing, and baby, you have me falling in love with you.
Now I lay here, alone in my own bed. I wonder how you are, if you were able to fall asleep, wonder what you are thinking. Are you falling in love with me? Time for me to sleep now, I will sleep with the memory of your arms around me, your body warming mine, your touch making me tremble and your kiss making me float high above the clouds.
Someday, I will be able to tell you all these things to your face. But for now, my love for you will continue to grow, to strengthen and in time, I will look into your amazing blue eyes, and tell you ‘I love you’
Sleep well my love