I realized listening to something on tv that I regret not having had a chance at a different life. Bad things happen to good people in life. It all leaves a mark. You go on, you heal, you make the best of things and you fight for better. You work on being better. They say it will all pay off in time, that everything you would like in life, if you just stick with it long enough will pay off and you can have the things in your life that make you happy.
I learned about choice. I learned about myself. I learned what things I may or may not do to contribute to my own unhappiness unknowingly and still, to this very second, I’m discouraged.
I wonder if I lived a different life if I would be a happier person right now. If I had more money, more opportunity, support of any kind for that matter, people who cared about me in a way that promoted really good things and love in my life.
I don’t know what love is. I’ve tried to create it in my life and I don’t think I know what it is or how to maintain it. You could say it’s everyone else, you would be close. They say if we are broken on the inside that we attract other broken people and I keep attracting people who are afraid.
I often wonder if I’m still afraid. Way down deep inside why am I still attracting people who run through life in fear. I do my best not to walk around that way. I’m open, I express things, I do the best I can to cultivate healthier relationships and yet, the ones who I want it from in return? Leave.
I have mulled over what I’m doing, what I could have done differently but it keeps sidestepping me. I am worth more than all this. I’m simply not sure what else I can possibly do. Be tougher, more aware, use my intelligence to see things in advance so it never happens again but then again, if you dissect another human being you never see the good. We need to see the bad too, don’t we? Yes.
I don’t know how people fall in love and stay together. I don’t understand it because those I care about whether friends or otherwise, never pans out. I’m not unyielding.
So, if it’s something in me, that I have not found, that I need to work on, what would that be? I can’t find it.
In a prior post I talked about how each situation was different and evolved in a different manner. This is very true. Right when I was going to beat myself up and say the world is against me, I don’t have the brains god gave me or I’m not as smart as I think, I realized something.
Each situation evolved differently. So how is that my fault? Some took time. I will say that each situation there were things that I ignored for one reason or another. To have faith in another person and to care about them doesn’t mean we ignore everything, things need to be discussed. That’s how it works, then you work it out.
Yet, still the loss in my life continues. One after the other.
I don’t know what love is and I don’t know how to sustain it because the people I chose are just as afraid as I thought I used to be. Or am I still.
There is the burning question of the day. Am I still afraid that I keep attracting people who are afraid to love, just like me. The people who are supposed to love you most in life are ultimately the ones who leave the biggest marks and this makes no sense to me. Especially now that I know myself so well and try to express it.
A person I know said that they’re just going to let the person come to them and chase next time. I can identify with that. The last person I lost there was back and forth and then, in the end the twist was such that if I wanted to keep the friendship I had to accept things as they are. Things that greatly outweighed the relationship as a whole, which minimized me as an individual as a person and through that experience you realize that there are things in your life that you should never give up on or give in to.
You go against yourself at any point and accept less than something healthy, you devalue yourself. It’s not something, after the experiences that I have had, that I want to see happen to me. No thank you. Although, you know, some are running around messing with other people all the time doing these things and no one is the wiser. Guess that makes those people real assholes doesn’t it?
But they really are not an asshole. Not really. Not if no one calls them out on their shit and the whole world is wearing blinders and accepting it. No. They’re a great person, they are on board, they care and they will do anything for you, unless it requires them to do something out of their own comfort zone.
So. At the end of the day. Is that all there is? Superficial relationships based on what everyone else wants? So, what is love anyway.
Many people call it this big game. I don’t agree but I can see why they’d say it. In the end they say everything works out as we think it should.
Well. I’m still waiting.