Tag Archives: Heart

Sanctification

You were worse than hearing that song they play twenty times in an hour on the radio. You echoed too loudly in the back of my head. Your insults cut deep into my throat, drowning me in a pool of lies and deceit. I choked on your stench; it’s intoxicating. I would give anything to erase all of our memories, and I would die to be able to move on from our past.

There was once a time where I loved hearing your laugh. It would brighten even the darkest of days. Your eyes would glitter with a playful light, and I couldn’t refuse your incessant demands for my attention. I found comfort in your touch, even though your skin was powdered with poison. I was so lost in the euphoria of our relationship that I couldn’t see even the most blatant red flags. You had me fooled- we were going to fall madly in love until the ends of time. You were going to support our family, and we would live happily ever after. But all good things come to an end, and all evil things can disguise themselves as innocent.

I took one step towards you, glass shards littering the path. My hands were stretched out as far as they could go, desperately trying to reach you. My feet were pierced and bleeding, my tears falling rapidly and mixing with the blood. My heart was broken, but I was too stubborn to understand that I had asked for this all along. You turned your back on me, “Maybe later…”, you shrugged. I was little more than the earth beneath your feet. You walked away as easily as you had shattered my glass heart. I was left standing in my ruins, to clean up the mess you left behind. Some dared to come and try to help me clean up…but I was terrified that their feet and hands would soon be pierced by the glass as well. I would push them far away, causing more glass to grip the bottom of my feet in an effort to protect those who came close. The glass gave this terrible glow, making me look so enticing and inviting, like an angel sent from the heavens. From a distance, you couldn’t tell that I was engulfed with pain.

Day in and day out, I suffered a terrible loneliness, just wanting the comfort of something familiar. I would look up at the skies from my glass prison and scream to the clouds. “You abandoned me!” I yelled repeatedly, whoever was up there was bound to hear me. A loud thunder responded, raindrops falling heavily on my shoulders. “You were never here to begin with!” I growled, stomping my feet down on the glass, the sting was so familiar that I was practically numb. The thunder continued and a crack of lightening torched the sky. The clouds meshed into one another, forming a heavy mass above my head. I glared into the rain; this was surely what I deserved. I was going to drown myself in storms of sorrows. I picked up a piece of glass, it glistened in the rain. My reflection stared aimlessly back at me.

For the first time, I looked into the eyes of someone hurting. They were desperate for sanctification. Their blue tint was shadowed with pain and desperation. Tears streamed from their tear ducts, flooding the reflection. I glanced back up at the sky, lightening now danced from cloud to cloud.

“What do you want from me…” I pleaded, falling to my knees. A gust of wind blew my hair backwards. It was powerful, yet warm and encouraging. The rain began to let up, eventually becoming a drizzle. A light descended from the sky, and I cowered in fear. I covered my eyes for the glow was too bright for my human eyes. I could still hear the thunder, but it was muted. The light wrapped itself around my body, warming the insides of my bones. I jumped to my feet, and yelped when there was no stinging. The glass had disappeared, in fact there was not a trace of it to be seen! My scars were gone and the stains of blood were washed away. The light danced around me, filling me with complete jubilee. I chased it up and down mountains, through puddles and oceans, never satisfied with the little tastes I would receive. I could tell I had found Love, I had found Safety, and I had found Forgiveness. It was warm and renewing, faithful and protective of my soul. I was so caught up in the beauty of my new life, I hadn’t even noticed I had been given a new heart- one that wouldn’t shatter, one that wouldn’t crack and break.

And the light whispered to me “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” 

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Vulnerable

It is something I HATE working on but I still do it.
I do not like intentionally letting people know what hurts me the most. Being taken advantage of is not the business. However, I do not build walls to see who will tear them down. I would be expecting far more from others than I would be giving.
It is not fair for me to punish people who WANT to know me because someone else did not amount to shit. I have grown to accept that it IS a part of life. People come and go. Learning how to let go is sometimes the difficult part. Not, refusing to feel. That is only a mind game we play with ourselves.
We eventually lose and that is when it hurts even more. That game will wear anyone out. Leaving us in a “why me” state of mind. Why you? Why not? Sometimes we get these thoughts in our heads that we are above normal human being stuff. I attribute it mainly to ego.
How we bounce back from effed up shat and people, is the determining factor of how well we deal with LIFE. There are some things I have not bounced back from. I acknowledge them when they come up. One day, I will get over them. Until then, I allow myself vulnerable moments. I write.
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Scared To Speak

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I’d rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that… why?.. Well because I’m too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like heck.

Too scared to say- I’m sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It’s easy when I think of the “I should’ves” and “could’ves” looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn’t speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I’ve messed ALL that up.

The misconception that you just wanted to be “friends” forced me to think, I needed to step back and move on. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an ‘us’, I wasn’t gonna jeopardize your happiness.

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don’t want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you’re not easily forgotten. It’s embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this’ll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I’ve missed us.

I miss you… but most importantly; I love you.

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Strange World

I live in such a strange world… I mean there is still so many things I failed to understand about life… Or rather comprehend and I’m hoping as I get older… Much older I’ll learn…. To accept these things… Growing up all I did was day dream… I dreamed big… There was something so soothing about being able to escape reality and… Dream… I remember I would sit under my grandpa’s pear tree and close my eyes and dream… I dreamed about saving the world… By changing it… Didn’t understand why at such a young age I thought the world needed to be saved… But as I grew older… As I learned to ride a bike fearless… I understood scars… As I experienced my first heartbreak… I understood loneliness… As I experienced a loss… I understood emotions… As I experienced betrayal… I understood commitment… As I experienced sickness. I understood faith… As I experienced struggle… I understood success… Its crazy come to think about it… I was so eager to change the world… As I’m experiencing life… I understood the world changed me… I live in such a strange world…

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The Heart Grows

Almost everyone has heard the adage of, “distance makes the heart grow fonder, [and if it doesn’t work out, you’ve always got vodka]“. Okay, the vodka part is not included in the quote, though most times when relationships do tend to fail, we’ve always got our closest friends and a bottle of vodka close by our side, more or less.
Relationships these days seem to be thrown around like they are nothing special and when the slightest sight of loose thread appears at the seams, the relationship is thrown away because it is “broken”. But is it to the point of being ruined beyond repair? Of course not. The thing I’ve noticed about my generation (Gen Y), is that relationships seemed to be done half-assed. In the beginning of liking someone, the efforts you pull to show them how you feel are obvious, as are the motions that are reciprocated back. However it’s not the beginning of the relationships that need fixing, it’s the middle and the end.

A friend of mine was dating someone and confessed that they were fighting almost all the time, mind you, they were only dating for a month and had not even given themselves the title of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”, she said, “it’s like we completely missed the honeymoon phase of our relationship”. The misleading thing about the honeymoon phase of the relationship is that, sometimes you don’t start to see your potential partners “real side” until low and behold, you’re official and the crazy comes out. We all crave the honeymoon phase; the courting, the small gestures in between, the wining and dining. Everything that makes dating so fun. But throw a little conflict and differences in the mix, or a text message read incorrectly and BOOM! It’s over. We have grown so dependent on working for what we want, no-holds barred, however once we get it, it’s like the chase isn’t worth the prize anymore.
A little jealousy and small bickering is healthy in a relationship, it shows that there’s still fire, that there’s something that is still worth fighting for. However we also need to learn that once the going gets tough, we shouldn’t bail. We shouldn’t need to bail, because that person should still be worth it to you. My generation (not all, as I’m sure there are still some people that do make the genuine attempts at relationships), need to take a leaf out of the older generation’s book. Almost every relationship, whether it be friendship, partnership, long-distance relationship/friendships are worth fighting for. And that you have to fight for the person you care about, because once that fire is gone, what left is there to salvage?
Heartbreaks don’t usually occur because the love isn’t there anymore it is usually for lack of effort. No one likes to feel like they aren’t worth it to you anymore. We need to learn to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, see things how they’re seeing it. We have all this technology to work and play around with. Yet the thing most relationships these days lack, is communication.

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Its Not You, Its Me

Love is a terribly beautiful thing – fearsome, audacious, belittling, empowering.  Everything in which we want it to be; everything in which it isn’t.

We hold our hearts in shelters built from permeable matter.  We want it to seep into us, flow through us.

It comes.  It goes.  It changes us.

In many ways it reconstructs our views on ourselves – both there and gone.  When lost, we succumb by instinct to our self-loathing qualities.  What if I was this, what if I was that.  Self-detrimental wordscapes that destroy, divide, and conquer.

The qualities and reasonings to breaking up aren’t what end love.  I believe that when you love somebody truly, you love them forever with all of you.  True love does not die because the other person chooses a path you are not traveling.  Pain is acceptable — healing, tears, aches.  Feelings that will pass and feelings that will stay.  Feelings that will become us and ones that will change us.

Loving somebody means you love them for everything they are and everything they are not.

In high school, every relationship felt like the world was ending.  That hearts broke every time a one month relationship ended.  That person was terrible.  You were wronged.  You were wrong.  You weren’t good enough.  In high school, we want to feel what we see.  We want to think we know everything, and that we are taught nothing.  And the pain comes in finding you don’t.

The thing is, what it comes down to is simple: two people don’t belong together.  If you two people do not end up together, they don’t.  Oversimplifying, some might say.  Some might say there are complicated issues, and that may be true for them, but I’ve always seen it in black and white.

To both sexes, when it’s supposed to be, it is or it will be.  And neither party is to blame for a departure because that means he or she is not the end of the day.  There are doors, there are opportunities, and there are people.  While it always feels like the end of the world, it is not.  It is simply the end of the world you had with that person.  The best you can take from that is memories.

If you are supposed to be together, you find a way back.  What do they say about if you love something, set it free?

My friend Ian once told me,  ”There’s no such thing as moving on.  There is only accepting and then finding something else.  When you make a bond to someone, it is always there.  The spider’s web that connects everyone’s heart is love. You make a link, and it never dies.  But you can make stronger, better links.  You can’t possibly lose everything.  You’ll always have you, and if you give it to someone, and they don’t want it, you are still you and they’re poorer for it.”

I think the point I was trying to make for women – and men – that we should not self-deprecate on people in our lives that do not stay.  We must look at these experiences as something to mold us, to hold us to the person that we want to be in our future.

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