Tag Archives: Pain

How Do You Know?

How do you know when someone is completely and utterly crazy about you? Ow when you’re crazy about them… I meant at what point we figure out our hearts have new owners… Is it at night when we can’t wait to tell them about our day… Or is it in the morning, when we wake up wishing they were there… Is it when we miss them when they’re right there… Next to us… Or maybe its when their smile makes us feel like we’ve took over the world and conquered every possible thing mankind ever wished they could… Personally I think its when we become crazy as life seems… When everything we do is for them… Yet life seem fucking exciting… Its when we’re completely afraid about taking a step forward, yet can’t wait for the future…Its when our hearts somehow feel whole and complete… When kisses no longer feel like kisses… But instead feel like a secret power made by those fools in love… A power that somehow erases all the pain, sadness or agony life brought upon our hearts… How do you know when someone is completely and utterly crazy about you? Or when you’re crazy about them? Well, we don’t… That’s the crazy fucking part…

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“She’s so pretty,” the words every girl wants to hear about herself. However, it is what she believes about herself that is more important. It is where she defines her beauty that actually makes her attractive. Beauty goes beyond skin deep. It goes into the depths of a woman’s soul. The most radiant women light up a room when they exude confidence. They shine when they operate from the inside out and they leave you wanting.
The woman who is average in the looks department or even less than, may hide her beauty. She willingly betrays her feminine side as she puts in little to no effort to accentuate her God given allure. She down plays her appearance as it has become an evil bane to be avoided. Rejection stings like a blistering sunburn. She covers herself up or avoids light altogether. While she protects herself from such hurt she also squelches her free spirit.
Why is that so many strong women come across as closed off, uptight, and pretentious? She may be well dressed, up-kept, organized, and assertive, yet she is intimidating. She can put off an aura of invulnerability. A vast majority of men find her intimidating and thereby avoid her. This woman lives under an umbrella even when the sun is out, not being admired and adored for there strengths. She may even begin to pretend she is ugly.
Other females who are educated and have intellectual thoughts can become torn and even annoyed with those who live at a superficial level. The overemphasized outward beauty and the under appreciated inward development causes us to question our world’s priorities. Pink’s song “Stupid girls” is a prime example, “She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me.”
We all know these women. The cute girl with a pretty face and a gorgeous, hot body. She is easy to be envious of. She emanates sex appeal. She has desirability. She’s been endowed with the art of seduction without trying. Life seems to come easy for her. She acts carefree, happy, silly, and innocent as boys linger at her every word… or so it appears. However, her beauty is fleeting and her charm is deceptive. Her insecurities are endless and her fears overwhelming. Her identity is based on something temporal, therefore it is only a matter of time before her value depreciates quicker than the US dollar.
But being acknowledged for her physical appearance has brought her a long way. Many like the Kim Kardashians of the world are beautiful and even business minded, yet the remain shallow. With no depth of person, she has no deep well in which to draw from. She may be moved with compassion by the latest “social justice” fads, but she herself is starving for truth. Though she is gorgeous with a mind of her own, often times she simply does not develop it. She overcompensates with materialism as her looks have become her primary facet. Her world crumbles as she ages. Like the queen in Snow White she grasps for potions and seeks the fountain of youth.
On the other hand, the Jenny McCarthys use their beauty as a platform. Though she may flaunt her outward beauty, it has become a vehicle to gain the attention of her real worth of being an articulate educator. In this juxtaposition, she develops an “I don’t give a F**k attitude” which tends to sting like a slap in the face if one payed her a genuine compliment. They fall to the floor as she has no container in which to hold them. She utterly believes her beauty is not a virtue to be extolled, but a weakness to be exploited. It is often her knee jerk reaction to a cruel life of abuse where she does what she has to to survive. She plays the part, but struggles with love. As in John Mclaughlin’s song, She feels “…there is no difference betweens the lies and compliments if everyone leaves her.”
It is the Marilyn Monroes of society who have become the most self-destructive. Her desire to “belong”, to be “wonderful”, to be loved for “herself” are her driving motivations. Her self inflicted torment and torture engrosses her being. It only takes a simple read through Marilyn’s famous quotes to hear the longings of her heart. We find the root of her pain in her statement – “No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t.”
What is in her mind has become her reality. Like in Inception she can no longer distinguish fantasy from reality. Unless she chooses to believe the truth, not her presuppositions and reasonings, but the true truth, she will be consumed by the lies she accepts to sleep with. Riddled with shame and filled with unbridled pain she has no place for her heart to call home.
She sell her priceless treasures for mere money, or gives them away for free simply because she does not know her worth. She is not willing to wait for someone to pay the cost. She believes there is no one who will put in the effort to pursue her heart. She desires respect and appreciation, yet she opens the door to thieves. She acts desperate and violates her own heart by not holding out for an offer of real love.
She is the girl who lives in constant comparison to others. She lives in lack and hurts the most believing she will always fall short. She can try and try to the best of her ability but she will never be good enough to be genuinely wanted. She may have wisps of affection, echoes of love, and muddy reflections of respect, but in the end she dies alone.
Are we as women destined to do one of these things? Do we quit before we start, saving ourselves from a world of hurt? Do we preemptively decide there is no hope for us and simply forfeit? Or do we strive for unattainable perfection thereby validating our inadequacies and ultimately throwing out any all real beauty we possess? How is it we live with no hope, no attainable aspirations, and no trust in the truth? How has our beauty become our own worst enemy?
In my all time favorite movie “Pretty Woman” eventually the girl finally gets it. She reminds me much of myself: red hair, big smile, loves cars, and independent. She doesn’t use drugs and has a head full of dreams. She, like the me of the past, also did not know her worth. Through the process of experiencing love and letting go of fears, she realizes she is destined to be more than a call girl. She wants it all, and finally, when she discovers who she is, she is willing to wait for someone who will give her everything. Her time has come to be seen, to be heard, and to be known.
Though there may have been abuses in our lives, we can not live in blame of others. More precisely, we cannot live in blame of men. Though we have been neglected, overlooked, or under appreciated, ultimately we are responsible for our own actions. What we do in life is a direct response to what we believe. If we seek approval from the outside in we will continually be working on our outsides. If our certainty is from a strong internal foundation from the inside out, we then glow simply because of who we are.

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Back Into

Not a minute goes by

Without you easing back into my mind

A million different memories

As they stir up those butterfly feelings

Trying to escape the pain but sooner or later I’m going to have to face the music

And who’s going to see me through it

I lost my best friend

To a bitter end

Will we ever be able to get past the hurt

Hold my actions as if I’m in contempt of court

Forgive me for giving up

For I guess never loving you enough

For not staying by your side

For all future lies

But for now let it be told

My love for you I will always uphold

So let me bow out with grace as I admit defeat

Setting my words in reinforced concrete

These feelings for you became a dictator that had to be overthrown

Discovering how to walk on my own

This all goes against what I feel is right

As again I’m missing you tonight

Too easy to ease back into

Loving you

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I lay here, our bodies naked, pressed against each other, and I never want it to end.  Each kiss feels so perfect, every stroke of your hand down my ass and onto my legs make me shiver, the feel of my hands moving across your body, so beautiful.

You lay your head on my stomach, and I massage your neck, your shoulders, your scalp. Try to ease the tension of your days, relax your racing mind, help your body be at rest.  To lay there, being the one to caress the days away for you, to feel the perfectness that is you, here with me, to hear you moan as I work the kinks out of your neck….it’s all so, well, so amazing.

To leave is not fair, I do not want to go. I want to stay there, move my whole life into yours. Never have to let you go each night, to wake up and see your face, to kiss those lips.  To be there when you get home, to ask how your day ways, to see the children run up and hug you.

Sadly, I am going home now. I put on my shoes, I kiss you goodbye, embrace in a hug, oh wait, I hold on tighter, press into your body, oh how beautiful this feels.  And yet, we have to let go of each other. Kiss those lips one more time, put my head down in sadness, and make my way to my car.

Weak in the knees, a smile on my face.  I look back at your window, I say quietly, Good night baby, I love you.  Vision blurry, trying to gain focus of the night sky. I’m still in awe at how you make me feel.  How in so little time, I know the feelings that are coming over me.  I’ve felt true love before, I do not fear this, only fear a heartbreak.  But, I will not fight this, I will let this come to be, to be in love is a blessing, and baby, you have me falling in love with you.

Now I lay here, alone in my own bed. I wonder how you are, if you were able to fall asleep, wonder what you are thinking.  Are you falling in love with me? Time for me to sleep now, I will sleep with the memory of your arms around me, your body warming mine, your touch making me tremble and your kiss making me float high above the clouds.

Someday, I will be able to tell you all these things to your face. But for now, my love for you will continue to grow, to strengthen and in time, I will look into your amazing blue eyes, and tell you ‘I love you’

Sleep well my love

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F**K YOU!!

Enough is enough…This is too much…You’d think that people would show you some gratitude for everything you have done for them, yet they keep wanting more and more and more…This has got to stop…I’m helping you, so cut it…With all your silly demands…I’ve had enough…I did what you asked, I did my part of the deal, but you never did yours…You’re just a liar…I did all of you a favor, but you don’t seem to appreciate it…No one else cared enough to help you, but I did…And now you keep wanting more and it’s not ok…No means no…I will not do anything against my will…Not ever again…You can’t make a deal with the devil, because he’ll not only take your whole hand, he’ll haunt you forever…It’s tiresome…If there’s a way around it, take it…But that’s enough…This time I’m in control and you need me, more than I ever needed you…There will come a day you’ll come crawling on your knees, because you know that I’m the only one to have some mercy on you…But this time you have crossed all the lines, more than once and it can’t go on like this forever…Accept what you got and forget you ever knew me…Please listen, just this once because I really don’t want to become something you hate…You may think I fooled you, but you are wrong…You brought out the worse in me but I really wouldn’t want it to get any worse than it already is…Let’s remember the good of it…I’m tired of your threats and hatred…Just face the fact that even though you’d love to hate me, you need me…But if they only knew…If they knew…They would never speak to you again because you betrayed them…The only one I betrayed was myself but I’ve already learned my lessons…This hell you put me through was lesson enough and it also led me back to the right path, now stronger than ever…But what about you…How can you go on living when you know the truth, the real truth…For you it was all one big joke…This humiliation and torture you put me through, the way you punished me and made me suffer for just living…Doing something like this to another human being…I never stopped you for being who you were, I never forbid you to be who you are nor ridiculed you…But whenever I tried to do the same thing you not only humiliated me, you punished me for living, and for being who I was…I hope your conscience lets you sleep at night…You think you are perfect and all you do or say is right…When will the day come you start to listen and respect other people…Only the thought of your ruthless behavior makes me feel sick…The things you’ve said and done to me are beyond cruel…You mind as well rip out my heart and tear it to thousands of pieces…You’ve stepped on my life, my rights, my feelings, my soul…You’ve pushed me down, you held me back…Your hatred, your narrow mindedness…I had to tolerate it all…I begged you to stop…But you didn’t, you went on, year after year like it meant nothing…First I was devastated, but later I stopped caring…I managed to build a wall around my heart and soul, so I could put up with it until I was able to break free…I managed to make you stop…It took many years of hell, but it worked…You finally let me go…So now go on and threaten me, because you no longer have any power over me…You can’t break me down, not ever again…Because I’m a fighter…I’m a survivor…The way you hurt me…You have no idea what I have done…Maybe one day I’ll tell you or maybe I won’t, but I think deep down you always knew and you know even now what I’m doing…I am free, I am finally free and I’m not afraid anymore…I’m no longer afraid of you nor the likes of you…Your threats won’t work on me…All you’ve put me through made me as tough as the steel…So go on acting the same way like you always have…And I’ll see you one day…See you when you get there…Not next to you, but on the other side…See how it feels…And try looking into my eyes, to see what’s there…All these years of torture and humiliation…And tell me what you see…No more demands, no more stress, no more pressure, no more suffering, no more humiliation, no more holding back, no more pain, no more mercy…Fu*k you very much and Goodbye!


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Do you ever get so full of emotion you don’t know what to do,need to find a release of all your built up angst, frustration, passion or energy. I have a solution! It may not work for all who try it but, for me it is perfect. What is this mystery thing I speak of.. well as I like you I will let you in on the secret :) IT’S SINGING and not just humming to yourself as you do the washing up or “lalala”ing during a shower. No, I mean full-on belting a song out until you have no emotion left. I am quite an emotional person and my emotions tend to get hold of me and I struggle to let them out. But I like to write my feelings down and that normally helps but sometimes there is just to much to write, feelings that can’t be explained through the traditional pen and paper… This is where singing comes into the equation. There are so many types of music, each about all kinds of situations… your bound to find one that reflects your exact feelings. Once you find that song, you are sorted all you have to do now is sing it loud and proud and try not to give a sh!t about other people!

I walk to work everyday and everyday I sing my heart out until there is nothing left in me… am I bad at singing? Don’t know and Don’t care. Yes, I sometimes get a bit too much into a song and find myself choking through the lyrics struggling to hold back the tears but if I’m honest I am glad I can attach myself and am in touch with myself enough to show my emotions. Plus I find that I will always find those songs that give me hope or cheer me up… so if I leave my house feeling sad usually by the time I get to work I have sung my way out of feeling upset.


Music is awesome

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