Tag Archives: Past

Time To Go

When I decided to be with you, I lost a part of me. I had to, if I were to be with you. I gave it up, fully conscious and aware of the things that I had to let go so I can be with you. And maybe that’s where it started. That one neglected crack that slowly created the ripple of fissures in what we assumed was a “strong” relationship and had eventually led to its demise. To what is now.

I’m not blaming you for all of it had been my choice. Perhaps I just can’t stop blaming myself for not seeing this from the beginning so I could have at least saved us both from this bigger wretched heartache. And you know what’s the ironic part? After all that I’ve done not once did it occur to me to have any regrets of choosing spending those years together with you. The only regret was what came after, of hurting you and leaving you for reasons I could bulletproof here, but in the end won’t matter as much as what the result had been to you.

I have been blaming myself for months and I still am. At first I thought I needed your forgiveness so I could stop feeling this way. In some ways I am still hoping for that one day in the far off future, but I would understand and half-expected it if I’m not granted so. I guess I realized that your forgiveness is wanted but not entirely necessary in order for me to move on, instead it must be I who should be able to forgive myself.

I neglected myself. I thought by giving up certain parts of me, I could occupy or fill it in with something else. I succeeded distracting myself of the issue, I focused all my energy into studies and building my world around you without having realized or wanting to. I had to give up some close friends (although some were quite frankly not real friends I’ve come to learn) and possibly some family members, beliefs and preferences I thought I could forget and live without. And with that when we started I suppose I was never able to give you entirely me after all.

So maybe the reason why I left is truly because of me. Because I found myself enlightened that as much as I wanted and tried to (even if you might think otherwise), I was not able to give myself fully to you for before we even got started I was no longer in one piece. I was no longer the girl you fell in love with in her “completeness”. This is the reason why we could no longer work. The reason why I found myself unhappy even if on the outside what we had seemed “too good to be true”.

So I decided when the next time comes, by then I should and needed be whole again as I could ever be. That if I would allow myself to fall again, the person who would catch me should accept me entirely as is, complete, or none at all.

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Scars

You know the kind.
The ones you check are there when you’re lying in bed in the middle of the night, restless with thoughts of a past that’s been crumpled like the start of a badly written love story that could have been something worth expressing but the writer lost faith in the plot or the protagonist took a 4 a.m taxi to another writer, a new story.

The kind that makes you get up, stumble through your hallway flicking on the bathroom light, standing in the mirror and staring at yourself and in your head you’re counting the scars, how each one got there and when, which ones are deeper and which ones are fading. Then you catch the person’s eye in the mirror and realise they’re not there but your heart makes them feel so real.

Eventually, you lay your battered self out to someone again. They see everything, they trace their delicate fingers along the deepest scars and they pay close attention to the ones that are fading. If that person is special and means a lot, they can do this almost magic thing. They can make the scars disappear.

Hold onto them.

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Looking

Have you ever sat down for a moment and took some time to just reflect on the things that have happened to you in the past? I must tell you that this is one of my favorite pastimes and I  find it just plain amazing. Do it when you have time. Bring yourself back to memory lane. Recall the people you have met, your past loves, friends you lost, enemies even, loved ones who have passed away, all the joys, pain and heartaches you have been through. Each of those people or each of those experiences has contributed to bringing you to where you are right now.

Looking back, you will see how your life and the lives of other people are interconnected and each connection is for a reason. People come and go but before they leave, you will find that they leave with you something valuable too – something you would not have if your paths did not cross.

Here’s a tip, get a notebook and list down the names of the people you have met and write down something about them that you can be grateful for. Something like… Thank you 1, if not for you I would not have known the value of relationships that not because things did not work out between two people, means they should stop being friends. Thank you too that it is through our common friends that I met 2 who helped clean up my mess and when we broke up led me to meeting 3 who introduced me to the joys of exploring the world. And because I liked 3 and he didn’t like me back, I started dating and met 4 who suffocated me like crazy which led me to grow as a person and figure out what I really want in life.

Personally (that means the above example is hypothetical), I have this prank caller to thank, for if not for him I would not have crossed paths with this beautiful person who is making a difference in my life right now.

So you see, it really is amazing how one thing leads to another and each time it brings you closer to where you need to be. Looking back gives you that “aha” or that “so that’s why” moment that is just so overwhelming and I mean that in a good way. So whenever you are in a shitty situation, know that that will pass and it’s something you have to go through to reach the end goal…your very own nirvana. When you are feeling hopeless or frustrated with how things are going for you right now, just look back. The comfort in knowing that your past is a proof that things will always eventually fall into place is just priceless. Have faith in that

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Remember Me?

 

 

Have you ever thought about how many people you have met over your life time? How many thousands of faces you have seen and how many conversations have you had that have become forgotten? As time quickly ages us, allowing people we once knew become strangers again, I wonder how many people that we no longer remember still remember us?


How many people from our past can still remember our face, something that we said to them, or something that we did for them? Did we mean something to somebody, but just failed to notice? Out of all the faces that we no longer think about, how many of them would still be able to notice you if you two crossed paths? How many times is your name repeated when people reminisce about their childhood or the good old times?

Isn’t it weird that you could still be on someones mind that is no longer on yours? How you could of meant more to someone and be part of their memories? How you may never truly know how many people still remember you?

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