Tag Archives: personal journal

It’s Time

I started this blog to help myself heal from the past, the mistakes made, and move forward. In actuality it has made some upset. I guess I can understand that some people don’t want to hear about “what” happen and can just ignore it and go on living. However, I can’t anymore. I have chosen to put this beast to bed. “What” happen has controlled my life for too long and I am not giving it anymore energy to carry on.

I have recently made the decision that if people want to have a relationship with me, they will put the effort forth themselves to do so. I feel like I have been eating crow way too long, apologized way too much, and compromised way too often. While they all sit there and look at me….judging my every move, every decision, every reaction. I am NOT perfect, I never will be, and I never claimed to be. I am just me, either you take me the way I am or not at all.

It feels as though the healthier I get the more dysfunctional my family seems. Maybe I am seeing things differently? All these years that therapists, friends, and counselors have been telling me that my family is part of my problem….wait…they were all right??? I defended my family tooth and nail through every agonizing group, session, conversation, etc. only to find out that the whole time I was defending them, they were pushing me down in the mud? Seriously? Yes! They were! For all these years I have been their scapegoat, the black sheep, the “Fuck Up” and now I am no longer in that role. Whatever will they do? I’ll tell you, they talk about me like a dog. Like I was never even a part of the family, I was used to make them feel better about themselves.

So, where do I go from here?

I continue to move forward, and never look back. I take things one day at a time and appreciate what I do have. I have a lot to be thankful for. When I look back at where I came from, and how far I have come from there, I am living a great life, with great family, friends, and loved ones. It’s not my entire family that has let me down, just a small portion, and what I find ironic is they only really talk to each other.

It’s hard not to feed into the negativity and that is why I waited to post on here, I didn’t want to just go on a random rant and spew venom everywhere, I had to think about it, not react. That’s hard for me. I have been sucked into this time and time again, and finally I am strong enough to just turn around and walk the fuck away. It’s what I like to call Self-Preservation.

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One of the most powerful tools you have is your voice.  Our ability to communicate is powerful because it gets the emotions we feel on the inside out.  Getting your emotions out is emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy.  I do not mean if you are angry, start cursing someone out.  No.  We have to learn and practice healthy ways of expressing our feelings.

One way you can do that is by writing, either in a personal journal or a blog.  When we can get our emotions out in their rawest form, they are no longer circulating in our bodies.  Negative emotions, thoughts, and feelings have certain energies and frequencies that affect our bodies down the the blood cell.  Another benefit to writing the emotions down, especially the raw and nasty ones, you avoid hurting anyone else.  You know, as i know, when we react in the moment, we can say things that can be hurtful to others, which only adds to more negative feelings like guilt.

After you get out all the feelings on paper (or blog), you can sort through them in your conscious mind.  If you think about something in your head only, you are stuck in the emotional part of the brain, which is not consciousness.  Did you know that?  In order to be aware and think clearly, we have to be in consciousness.  So, in order to do that you need to have your feelings OUTSIDE of you, tangible, be able to see them. When you are able to process the feelings, you can then make better choices on how to approach a situation.

When you’ve processed your emotions and you still feel the need to address something, then you must take action.  You can not let that brew inside of you.  It is very important to express yourself to others about how they made you feel.  Sounds easy, right? We all know it’s not and we avoid it because of fear.  We fear the other person’s reaction.  That’s why we hold back from doing many things we truly want.  NEWSFLASH!  You cannot control how people will react.  Your feelings are YOUR feelings and you only have control over those.  How other receive that information is not your concern.  Now I’m not saying be nasty in your approach.  If you speak your mind and address what needs to be addressed, the rest is up to them.   If you avoid speaking up because of other’s reactions, you are allowing others to control you.  This will lead to many things: anger, resentment, depression, etc.

Love yourself enough to know that you and your feelings matter.  If someone can’t respect that, then you may want to consider adjusting the time you put into that relationship/friendship.  You do not want to surround yourself with people who will not respect your emotional feedback, and vice versa.

Find your voice. Be empowered!

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