Tag Archives: Sad

Mysterious

I want to pause time because I know the fate if time continues. We’re like a glass in mid air, just waiting to shatter. Not yet strong enough to weather a storm. Weakness will win and everything up to this point will be devoured. I feel it in my heart, a premonition of some sort– the pain I will soon feel when one of the best things has no choice but to end. That’s where I start to break, thinking about how this may be our closing act. To me, this is just the beginning, I’m not ready for this time to pass. It will hurt and to feel that feeling of hurt once again, that is one of my biggest fears. I have seen what it feels like to be truly happy, so how does one become capable of ever reverting back? I’m not ready for you to go, not quite yet… Why would he put you here and then take you so quickly away?

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blah….

I’m really confused right now–
Not quite sure how to feel which really bothers me. I like to control things and if I am unable to do just that, I start to get a little anxious and I start to get a little crazy. Like most people, I fear what is left unknown to me. I need reassurance and I always need to be in the know. That’s the thing about me, I can’t stand to leave anything alone, especially anything I don’t know the answer to. Right now though, at this specific instance, I feel as if I am trying to figure out an answer to a question that doesn’t have an answer yet. I’m worrying about something I have no control over, I’m trying to fix something that’s not even broken. That isn’t good but that’s part of my problem. I will always be like this. No matter how good someone is to me, that doubt that inevitably always gets to my insecurities, will get in the way which does nothing but push people away.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Another Christmas…

As the days go by and it gets closer to Christmas I start to think about you… What would it be like if you were still here… Would we be away on vacation or home with the family… I imagine you sitting next to me talking about all the stupid funny little things we used to do together… The late night cookie eating… Going to see the Christmas tree… Watching Christmas movies together… Going four wheeling upstate every weekend… Homemade wine drinking…. The memories just continue to flow…

As the memories flow and cross through my head tears come down my face… Why did it have to be you… Anyone else in the world it could have been… No one understands my pain… It’s changed me losing you… I’m not the same person anymore… I blame myself… If only I could have tried harder to help you with your addiction instead of being wrapped up in my own world and being selfish… I knew you were depressed but I never thought it would kill you…

Seeing all my friends and family with their fathers kill me, especially during the holidays… They are so blessed to have them and I’m not…

I’ve turned into a complete whole different person… I went through the stages of grief… I even followed in your footsteps and started your addiction… It was horrible… I could even look at myself in the mirror… I still can’t…. I get urges just like you do… And it’s hard… I don’t even know how I manage to control them some days… Some days I just want to drown myself in the bottle… But I know that’s not the answer… That’s being stupid and a coward… Maybe that’s why I’m so angry and emotional!!

You were a COWARD dad!! You decided to take the easy way out by drinking yourself to death! Yes it happened over years, but you killed your liver and insides as the years progressed! Did you ever think of me? Or how I would be affected by it? No! Because you were being selfish! And for what? Was it worth it? Making your daughter watch you in a coma for 24 hours then die? At the age of 20 no less! I want to scream and shout at you but I can’t you’re not here! You will never be here again! All I have are memories and it sucks! Because the only memory I see in my head for the past 3 years is you laying in a hospital bed in a coma with tubes down your throat. Hearing the doctors and nurses say there is no hope! These memories haunt me every day, in my head, thoughts, dreams and every time I look at your picture! It’s just not fair!

But I don’t hate you! That’s what’s so frustrating! I love you more and more every day. A part of me died the day you passed away. It’s crazy to say that but it’s true. I just wish you could have fought off the demon that took your life. Because alcohol to me is the demon and deadly drug. Once you kill your liver from drinking there is no turning back. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. If I could you still would be here!

To all those that have lost someone you love, does it get better?

To those who have both parents, cherish it!

To those that are addicted to drugs, pills or alcohol, get help! Before its too late! The only people that suffer is your family! And it changes there lives drastically!!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Death Eats Us

Death is such a weird thing. How is it that one moment a person will be here, but the next moment they are gone forever? They leave this world and their soul goes off into another dimension, another world. That person you know becomes a person you knew. Everything relating to them then has to be put in the past tense. They become a memory. For that time being, they put a slice in our hearts but as time moves on that slice does not bleed anymore. But where is the person that we once knew? And will that person still remember us when we meet up with them once again? I just find it amusing how we are literally born dying. With each heartbeat subtracts a breath from our biological clock. Some live only short lives while others live long and prosperous. But why don’t we all live the same length? Why do we have to go through the pain of seeing a loved one die before us. Why can we never talk to that person again, or laugh with them again, or love them ever again. It’s cruel almost, to just take them away like that. Some people just don’t deserve to die. The ones you least expect are the ones that cut the deepest slice. Although time will heal that slice, the memories of them will always remain. But I’m thankful that they could leave this hell and their souls can rest in paradise.

Thinking of you Dad

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Eating Me

Like a crow, it just eats away at me. It eats and it eats and it eats. This built up pain, this built up hurt and anger. It eats away at me. As each day passes, and the crow still feasts, the pieces of me just get less and less. This crow, saving the heart for last. Take me now, take me now, the wounded artery pleads. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart, just this one time. Just this one time. It doesn’t care. It just keeps on eating. And as the feast continues, the hearts tolerance of pain disintegrates with every bite. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart. As the hurt cuts deeper from the sharp mouth of the crow, the tender heart throbs with anger. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart. And as this heart of mine pleads and cries, take me now! Take me now! The crow just keeps on eating. Ignoring those cries and those pleads. Nothing gets through to the stern old crow. His beak coated in dripping blood, he stands there full and satisfied. No remorse for the heart at all. Little does he know, this heart will last him forever and ever. Even as it decays he eats at it just for fun. The faint cries and the faint pleads may still be heard, but the crow just refuses to listen. And if he would listen just this one time, if he would look into the soul of the wounded artery of mine, just this one time. Maybe then he would be able to see. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dark Clouds

The sun used to shine so bright, so beautifully.
No day existed where the warmth of his rays didn’t engulf me.
So warm, so comforting; it felt so good.
But before too long, the domino effect of his love came crashing down
one after the other.
As his love tumbled, so did I
struggling to hold on because his wrath was just too hot.
My grip was loosened and it wouldn’t be long before it slipped all together.
But why does it have to be like this?
It used to all be so beautiful
Now all that remains is a broken heart on a dark, cloudy day.
Where’s the sun when you need it most?
Lost on a forgotten quest I would say.
As for me, I would never forget.
I would never forget what it feels like to be engulfed by his warmth
and to be receiver of his love.
I could never forget.
The days keep on growing darker, as the sun fails to shine.
But I never forget the bright rays of his love. Ever.
So maybe it’s true to say, my grip has slipped; but it hasn’t really slipped at all.
Because I am still here right? Opposing all other natural forces
My want for the sun will always be there.
I’m cold without his warmth but I haven’t forgotten what it feels like.
The memory is still fresh within the broken bits of artery.
He doesn’t realize that.
So caught up in his own glory
Selfish.
But that’s okay.
Because I know where that path will lead him.
It is certain that if his stance prevails, darker days are inevitable.
But I will be there, I promise to be there to show him the light
like he has to me.
Unknowingly, subconsciously.
He’s my light, my sun, my warmth, my love, my heart.
Nothing will ever change that.
Nothing.
Because I will always remember the days where the sun used to shine so bright, so beautifully.
I will always remember when the days used to feel okay.
And to remember that, I am instantly filled with hope.
Dark, cloudy days don’t last forever.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blood

Too much passion, and too much love fill her veins. Maybe that’s why she cries tears of blood. Streaming down her soft, delicate face, the blood drips slowly. Her eyes welt as she cries over something she will never understand fully. Listen closely, you might hear the sound of her heart as it cracks. Be gentle, for the slightest movement could make the whole thing shatter. Don’t bother asking what’s the matter, the girl with the tears of blood will never tell. She will never open up, she will just pretend to be tough. But don’t let it fool you, deep down inside she has feelings too. Look hard enough you might witness everything she withholds internally, disregard what’s visible on the surface, look past what she let’s be seen externally. She hurts. She cries these tears of blood as the passion rips through her so armored veins. This girl is crumbling. Piece by piece, her whole world is fumbling. She needs a savior to come to her rescue. But no one hears her call. She can’t take it anymore, she can’t take it all. She who cries tears of blood, who guards herself so perfectly, who pretends to be okay, is fighting a battle she just can’t win. The only thing left is to give up, giving up is no sin. It’s alright, everything will be fine, she says trying to reassure her self. But who is she reassuring as her alter go starts to melt. The walls she has enforced are slowly starting to burn down. As the embers fly away, so does everything that has made this girl feel sound. She’s done. Exhausted. Crying tears of blood.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,