Tag Archives: Scared

Quit Playing

I was vulnerable and so you took advantage of me. The one you hate he broke my heart you said you were glad. You pounced. I don’t know better, I need comfort and being numb. You make me feel special. You suck me into your world where you want me. Hide me away. All to yourself. You keep us a secret and you lie. Play play play. All a game. You said you love me all the time, how much you care. And it was lies because now you say it was always lies to everyone. But I don’t even care anyway. Because I love him. The one you tried so hard to make me not love. And all the people you say you hated before but now you suck them back into your world because you are a sad lonely man and you don’t have anyone else. And you might ruin their lives too. Play play play. All a game. And you are a pervert, and you say gross things. And when I didn’t want you on me and I try to say no, you keep going to have your way. Or when I sleep you wake me to do the same. Touching me when I don’t want. Holding me down and laughing. I couldn’t get away. And the other girls too. So then I try not to stay with you so that I didn’t have to be scared. You say once that you don’t want your daughters to be with cunts so you would never be one. But you do very cunt things. What if that was your daughters. Being talked to like this or scared or try to say no and it means nothing. You should be careful. And you trap me all the time. So I can’t leave you. I feel too guilty to. And then when I do leave you you try to trick me. But I see your tricks. Play play play. All a game. You try to make me feel special. Tell me things that you have never told anyone else. But then I find out everyone already knows it. And then when game is over you keep on playing. You go to the street of the one you hate and you paint a picture of me on the wall. To make us angry or something. Play play play. All a game. And then the one you hate, his lights go missing and his wires get cut and the neighbor he says someone was fiddling with the bikes. Someone who looks like you and then he ran away. And then you write a blog about being cold and cutting off emotions and about important things to me to try to get me but you don’t because I hate you and you are a creep and I want to do bad things to you because you deserve it.

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So Alone

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I’ve never felt more alone in my life than I do now…this feels like my breaking point.

I’ve been crying on and off for the past 3 hours, just about everything. I feel like I’ve lost my purpose. I feel like I’m lost altogether. I’m usually the most positive person when it comes to others, but as for myself, I can’t seem to find it…

Life is hard. Life is getting to me. Reality is interfering with a lot of my dreams, goals and aspirations. It isn’t becoming the journey I expected it to be. It’s becoming overwhelming to where I can’t handle it.

And I just don’t have friends that I can call and talk to about any of this. I want it so bad, but I don’t have it.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just wanna be happy is all.

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My Protector

Wide awake at midnight, my mind is completely empty and silent, with the vast void of a silent house around me.

Except for the breathing. He’s resting next to me, breathing quietly. It’s funny to watch him sleep, his belly rising and falling as he’s drifted away, seemingly to a place that has both captivated him and allowed him the peaceful look that he has on his face. I move closer and, like clockwork, he rolls over and drapes a heavy arm over me. I’m uncomfortable, but then I think that if I move, maybe he’ll get disturbed and lose his idyllic dream. I don’t want that…after all, his days are so filled with hectic moments and uncertainties. So I stay there, with that little crick in my neck, waiting for him to move again so I’ll have the opportunity to reshuffle.

I remember when I used to be scared of the dark. As a child, my biggest fear was the monster under my bed, prompting a cursory look beneath my bed with a flashlight every night. When I got older, the most frightening things were still monsters, but of the human variety, the kind that would scare you, rob you, attack you, drag you from your bed while you were sleeping. Paranoia, it felt, was the only thing that kept me safe from what I had started to feel was a cruel world.

But now, here’s this lumbering tall man asleep next to me, and I feel safe. There are some problems in our lives, of course, but perhaps those can be thought of at another time. Sure, I can’t breath – somehow the position of his elbow is gutting my lungs, but sometimes I’m beginning to think that’s not the only way he’s taken my breath away. And I love him – I love him to the depths of my soul. Me! A girl who was incapable of emotions, seemingly destined to be an empty shell, is hopelessly in love with this beautifully flawed man. I think at this moment that I should tell him and hope that somehow the message absorbs into whichever alternate universe he is in at this moment.

“I love you” I whisper to him.

And even though it’s dark with just some dim street light peeking through the blinds, I can see the edges of his lips curve upward into a sleepy smile. “I love you too,” he groggily replies.

Ah, how lucky I am. Not deserving of it at all, but lucky nonetheless.

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