When I decided to be with you, I lost a part of me. I had to, if I were to be with you. I gave it up, fully conscious and aware of the things that I had to let go so I can be with you. And maybe that’s where it started. That one neglected crack that slowly created the ripple of fissures in what we assumed was a “strong” relationship and had eventually led to its demise. To what is now.
I’m not blaming you for all of it had been my choice. Perhaps I just can’t stop blaming myself for not seeing this from the beginning so I could have at least saved us both from this bigger wretched heartache. And you know what’s the ironic part? After all that I’ve done not once did it occur to me to have any regrets of choosing spending those years together with you. The only regret was what came after, of hurting you and leaving you for reasons I could bulletproof here, but in the end won’t matter as much as what the result had been to you.
I have been blaming myself for months and I still am. At first I thought I needed your forgiveness so I could stop feeling this way. In some ways I am still hoping for that one day in the far off future, but I would understand and half-expected it if I’m not granted so. I guess I realized that your forgiveness is wanted but not entirely necessary in order for me to move on, instead it must be I who should be able to forgive myself.
I neglected myself. I thought by giving up certain parts of me, I could occupy or fill it in with something else. I succeeded distracting myself of the issue, I focused all my energy into studies and building my world around you without having realized or wanting to. I had to give up some close friends (although some were quite frankly not real friends I’ve come to learn) and possibly some family members, beliefs and preferences I thought I could forget and live without. And with that when we started I suppose I was never able to give you entirely me after all.
So maybe the reason why I left is truly because of me. Because I found myself enlightened that as much as I wanted and tried to (even if you might think otherwise), I was not able to give myself fully to you for before we even got started I was no longer in one piece. I was no longer the girl you fell in love with in her “completeness”. This is the reason why we could no longer work. The reason why I found myself unhappy even if on the outside what we had seemed “too good to be true”.
So I decided when the next time comes, by then I should and needed be whole again as I could ever be. That if I would allow myself to fall again, the person who would catch me should accept me entirely as is, complete, or none at all.