Tag Archives: Trust

Time To Go

When I decided to be with you, I lost a part of me. I had to, if I were to be with you. I gave it up, fully conscious and aware of the things that I had to let go so I can be with you. And maybe that’s where it started. That one neglected crack that slowly created the ripple of fissures in what we assumed was a “strong” relationship and had eventually led to its demise. To what is now.

I’m not blaming you for all of it had been my choice. Perhaps I just can’t stop blaming myself for not seeing this from the beginning so I could have at least saved us both from this bigger wretched heartache. And you know what’s the ironic part? After all that I’ve done not once did it occur to me to have any regrets of choosing spending those years together with you. The only regret was what came after, of hurting you and leaving you for reasons I could bulletproof here, but in the end won’t matter as much as what the result had been to you.

I have been blaming myself for months and I still am. At first I thought I needed your forgiveness so I could stop feeling this way. In some ways I am still hoping for that one day in the far off future, but I would understand and half-expected it if I’m not granted so. I guess I realized that your forgiveness is wanted but not entirely necessary in order for me to move on, instead it must be I who should be able to forgive myself.

I neglected myself. I thought by giving up certain parts of me, I could occupy or fill it in with something else. I succeeded distracting myself of the issue, I focused all my energy into studies and building my world around you without having realized or wanting to. I had to give up some close friends (although some were quite frankly not real friends I’ve come to learn) and possibly some family members, beliefs and preferences I thought I could forget and live without. And with that when we started I suppose I was never able to give you entirely me after all.

So maybe the reason why I left is truly because of me. Because I found myself enlightened that as much as I wanted and tried to (even if you might think otherwise), I was not able to give myself fully to you for before we even got started I was no longer in one piece. I was no longer the girl you fell in love with in her “completeness”. This is the reason why we could no longer work. The reason why I found myself unhappy even if on the outside what we had seemed “too good to be true”.

So I decided when the next time comes, by then I should and needed be whole again as I could ever be. That if I would allow myself to fall again, the person who would catch me should accept me entirely as is, complete, or none at all.

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You’re An Idiot

I like to think there is good in every person. I like to hope that people are inherently good and aren’t out to con, take advantage and swindle you. Sadly is this idealistic view is a fantasy, and the reality is the world is filled with both good and bad people.

I want to trust people. I want to be able to be open and honest about my emotions, I want to be able to lay down every facet of my life on a table and say “look, this is me in my entirety. Every mistake, every triumph, every moment of despair and every moment of soaring joy. Here it is all laid out before you, this is who I am.”

I have a cynical side which questions people when they are getting closer to me and their motives as to why. What do they want from me? What is their angle? Where is this going? I cannot help it. It is just what I do.

Deep down though I want to trust people. I want them to be able to see my vulnerabilites and weaknesses and be able to comfort and accept them. That is what I get on this blog, but the price for this acceptance is I am anonymous, you are all digital packets of data and none of you can actually put your hand on my shoulder and tell me I’m not a fruitcake.

I trust people with secrets and parts of me that I know I shouldn’t. I trust people who I know that really I barely know, but I trust them anyway. I am a fool for being so idiotically open and sincere. I am a naïve child thinking in this fashion.

The walls I once had have been shattered. I need to build them up again. I need to make sure that I can protect myself again from ever being hurt and vulnerable again. I need to lock my emotions in a chest and chuck that b***h in the ocean (if you got that as a Bad Boys II reference, you are awesome).

I need to stop trusting people, it only ever leads to them breaking your trust and leaving you looking at the pieces on the floor of your shattered hopes thinking “How did I end up here again? Oh wait, that’s right, I know how. It’s because you are an idiot”

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Sing

 

Do you ever get so full of emotion you don’t know what to do,need to find a release of all your built up angst, frustration, passion or energy. I have a solution! It may not work for all who try it but, for me it is perfect. What is this mystery thing I speak of.. well as I like you I will let you in on the secret :) IT’S SINGING and not just humming to yourself as you do the washing up or “lalala”ing during a shower. No, I mean full-on belting a song out until you have no emotion left. I am quite an emotional person and my emotions tend to get hold of me and I struggle to let them out. But I like to write my feelings down and that normally helps but sometimes there is just to much to write, feelings that can’t be explained through the traditional pen and paper… This is where singing comes into the equation. There are so many types of music, each about all kinds of situations… your bound to find one that reflects your exact feelings. Once you find that song, you are sorted all you have to do now is sing it loud and proud and try not to give a sh!t about other people!

I walk to work everyday and everyday I sing my heart out until there is nothing left in me… am I bad at singing? Don’t know and Don’t care. Yes, I sometimes get a bit too much into a song and find myself choking through the lyrics struggling to hold back the tears but if I’m honest I am glad I can attach myself and am in touch with myself enough to show my emotions. Plus I find that I will always find those songs that give me hope or cheer me up… so if I leave my house feeling sad usually by the time I get to work I have sung my way out of feeling upset.

 

Music is awesome

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