Tag Archives: Unhappy

Mysterious

I want to pause time because I know the fate if time continues. We’re like a glass in mid air, just waiting to shatter. Not yet strong enough to weather a storm. Weakness will win and everything up to this point will be devoured. I feel it in my heart, a premonition of some sort– the pain I will soon feel when one of the best things has no choice but to end. That’s where I start to break, thinking about how this may be our closing act. To me, this is just the beginning, I’m not ready for this time to pass. It will hurt and to feel that feeling of hurt once again, that is one of my biggest fears. I have seen what it feels like to be truly happy, so how does one become capable of ever reverting back? I’m not ready for you to go, not quite yet… Why would he put you here and then take you so quickly away?

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Blah….

I’m really confused right now–
Not quite sure how to feel which really bothers me. I like to control things and if I am unable to do just that, I start to get a little anxious and I start to get a little crazy. Like most people, I fear what is left unknown to me. I need reassurance and I always need to be in the know. That’s the thing about me, I can’t stand to leave anything alone, especially anything I don’t know the answer to. Right now though, at this specific instance, I feel as if I am trying to figure out an answer to a question that doesn’t have an answer yet. I’m worrying about something I have no control over, I’m trying to fix something that’s not even broken. That isn’t good but that’s part of my problem. I will always be like this. No matter how good someone is to me, that doubt that inevitably always gets to my insecurities, will get in the way which does nothing but push people away.

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Another Christmas…

As the days go by and it gets closer to Christmas I start to think about you… What would it be like if you were still here… Would we be away on vacation or home with the family… I imagine you sitting next to me talking about all the stupid funny little things we used to do together… The late night cookie eating… Going to see the Christmas tree… Watching Christmas movies together… Going four wheeling upstate every weekend… Homemade wine drinking…. The memories just continue to flow…

As the memories flow and cross through my head tears come down my face… Why did it have to be you… Anyone else in the world it could have been… No one understands my pain… It’s changed me losing you… I’m not the same person anymore… I blame myself… If only I could have tried harder to help you with your addiction instead of being wrapped up in my own world and being selfish… I knew you were depressed but I never thought it would kill you…

Seeing all my friends and family with their fathers kill me, especially during the holidays… They are so blessed to have them and I’m not…

I’ve turned into a complete whole different person… I went through the stages of grief… I even followed in your footsteps and started your addiction… It was horrible… I could even look at myself in the mirror… I still can’t…. I get urges just like you do… And it’s hard… I don’t even know how I manage to control them some days… Some days I just want to drown myself in the bottle… But I know that’s not the answer… That’s being stupid and a coward… Maybe that’s why I’m so angry and emotional!!

You were a COWARD dad!! You decided to take the easy way out by drinking yourself to death! Yes it happened over years, but you killed your liver and insides as the years progressed! Did you ever think of me? Or how I would be affected by it? No! Because you were being selfish! And for what? Was it worth it? Making your daughter watch you in a coma for 24 hours then die? At the age of 20 no less! I want to scream and shout at you but I can’t you’re not here! You will never be here again! All I have are memories and it sucks! Because the only memory I see in my head for the past 3 years is you laying in a hospital bed in a coma with tubes down your throat. Hearing the doctors and nurses say there is no hope! These memories haunt me every day, in my head, thoughts, dreams and every time I look at your picture! It’s just not fair!

But I don’t hate you! That’s what’s so frustrating! I love you more and more every day. A part of me died the day you passed away. It’s crazy to say that but it’s true. I just wish you could have fought off the demon that took your life. Because alcohol to me is the demon and deadly drug. Once you kill your liver from drinking there is no turning back. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. If I could you still would be here!

To all those that have lost someone you love, does it get better?

To those who have both parents, cherish it!

To those that are addicted to drugs, pills or alcohol, get help! Before its too late! The only people that suffer is your family! And it changes there lives drastically!!

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Eating Me

Like a crow, it just eats away at me. It eats and it eats and it eats. This built up pain, this built up hurt and anger. It eats away at me. As each day passes, and the crow still feasts, the pieces of me just get less and less. This crow, saving the heart for last. Take me now, take me now, the wounded artery pleads. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart, just this one time. Just this one time. It doesn’t care. It just keeps on eating. And as the feast continues, the hearts tolerance of pain disintegrates with every bite. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart. As the hurt cuts deeper from the sharp mouth of the crow, the tender heart throbs with anger. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart. And as this heart of mine pleads and cries, take me now! Take me now! The crow just keeps on eating. Ignoring those cries and those pleads. Nothing gets through to the stern old crow. His beak coated in dripping blood, he stands there full and satisfied. No remorse for the heart at all. Little does he know, this heart will last him forever and ever. Even as it decays he eats at it just for fun. The faint cries and the faint pleads may still be heard, but the crow just refuses to listen. And if he would listen just this one time, if he would look into the soul of the wounded artery of mine, just this one time. Maybe then he would be able to see. But the crow, it just keeps on eating. It doesn’t care about sparing the heart.

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Blood

Too much passion, and too much love fill her veins. Maybe that’s why she cries tears of blood. Streaming down her soft, delicate face, the blood drips slowly. Her eyes welt as she cries over something she will never understand fully. Listen closely, you might hear the sound of her heart as it cracks. Be gentle, for the slightest movement could make the whole thing shatter. Don’t bother asking what’s the matter, the girl with the tears of blood will never tell. She will never open up, she will just pretend to be tough. But don’t let it fool you, deep down inside she has feelings too. Look hard enough you might witness everything she withholds internally, disregard what’s visible on the surface, look past what she let’s be seen externally. She hurts. She cries these tears of blood as the passion rips through her so armored veins. This girl is crumbling. Piece by piece, her whole world is fumbling. She needs a savior to come to her rescue. But no one hears her call. She can’t take it anymore, she can’t take it all. She who cries tears of blood, who guards herself so perfectly, who pretends to be okay, is fighting a battle she just can’t win. The only thing left is to give up, giving up is no sin. It’s alright, everything will be fine, she says trying to reassure her self. But who is she reassuring as her alter go starts to melt. The walls she has enforced are slowly starting to burn down. As the embers fly away, so does everything that has made this girl feel sound. She’s done. Exhausted. Crying tears of blood.

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Time To Go

When I decided to be with you, I lost a part of me. I had to, if I were to be with you. I gave it up, fully conscious and aware of the things that I had to let go so I can be with you. And maybe that’s where it started. That one neglected crack that slowly created the ripple of fissures in what we assumed was a “strong” relationship and had eventually led to its demise. To what is now.

I’m not blaming you for all of it had been my choice. Perhaps I just can’t stop blaming myself for not seeing this from the beginning so I could have at least saved us both from this bigger wretched heartache. And you know what’s the ironic part? After all that I’ve done not once did it occur to me to have any regrets of choosing spending those years together with you. The only regret was what came after, of hurting you and leaving you for reasons I could bulletproof here, but in the end won’t matter as much as what the result had been to you.

I have been blaming myself for months and I still am. At first I thought I needed your forgiveness so I could stop feeling this way. In some ways I am still hoping for that one day in the far off future, but I would understand and half-expected it if I’m not granted so. I guess I realized that your forgiveness is wanted but not entirely necessary in order for me to move on, instead it must be I who should be able to forgive myself.

I neglected myself. I thought by giving up certain parts of me, I could occupy or fill it in with something else. I succeeded distracting myself of the issue, I focused all my energy into studies and building my world around you without having realized or wanting to. I had to give up some close friends (although some were quite frankly not real friends I’ve come to learn) and possibly some family members, beliefs and preferences I thought I could forget and live without. And with that when we started I suppose I was never able to give you entirely me after all.

So maybe the reason why I left is truly because of me. Because I found myself enlightened that as much as I wanted and tried to (even if you might think otherwise), I was not able to give myself fully to you for before we even got started I was no longer in one piece. I was no longer the girl you fell in love with in her “completeness”. This is the reason why we could no longer work. The reason why I found myself unhappy even if on the outside what we had seemed “too good to be true”.

So I decided when the next time comes, by then I should and needed be whole again as I could ever be. That if I would allow myself to fall again, the person who would catch me should accept me entirely as is, complete, or none at all.

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