Tag Archives: WONDERING

Mysterious

I want to pause time because I know the fate if time continues. We’re like a glass in mid air, just waiting to shatter. Not yet strong enough to weather a storm. Weakness will win and everything up to this point will be devoured. I feel it in my heart, a premonition of some sort– the pain I will soon feel when one of the best things has no choice but to end. That’s where I start to break, thinking about how this may be our closing act. To me, this is just the beginning, I’m not ready for this time to pass. It will hurt and to feel that feeling of hurt once again, that is one of my biggest fears. I have seen what it feels like to be truly happy, so how does one become capable of ever reverting back? I’m not ready for you to go, not quite yet… Why would he put you here and then take you so quickly away?

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Truth

There comes a time in life
Where you realize the truth
What was hidden before,
Can now shine through
And what I’ve realized baby,
Is we’re no more
The light has dimmed,
All the pieces on the floor.
And no matter how much
I want to hold on,
I know that’s impossible
Because what we had is now gone
The love has diminished,
All words are finished
The picture is shattered,
No longer I’m flattered
What was once together,
Now falls apart
Too much has been weathered
The engine can’t start.
And no matter how much
I want to hold on,
I know that’s impossible
Because what we had is now gone
My grip on the rope
Is beginning to slip
I wish it was different
My heart starts to rip
I’ve pleaded my case
But you weren’t at my defense
All that is left
Is for me to lament–
Lament the loss of my lover,
I loved so deeply
But there comes a time in life
Where you realize the truth
What was hidden before,
Can now shine through
And what I’ve realized baby,
Is we’re no more
The light has dimmed,
All the pieces on the floor.

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Blah….

I’m really confused right now–
Not quite sure how to feel which really bothers me. I like to control things and if I am unable to do just that, I start to get a little anxious and I start to get a little crazy. Like most people, I fear what is left unknown to me. I need reassurance and I always need to be in the know. That’s the thing about me, I can’t stand to leave anything alone, especially anything I don’t know the answer to. Right now though, at this specific instance, I feel as if I am trying to figure out an answer to a question that doesn’t have an answer yet. I’m worrying about something I have no control over, I’m trying to fix something that’s not even broken. That isn’t good but that’s part of my problem. I will always be like this. No matter how good someone is to me, that doubt that inevitably always gets to my insecurities, will get in the way which does nothing but push people away.

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Death Eats Us

Death is such a weird thing. How is it that one moment a person will be here, but the next moment they are gone forever? They leave this world and their soul goes off into another dimension, another world. That person you know becomes a person you knew. Everything relating to them then has to be put in the past tense. They become a memory. For that time being, they put a slice in our hearts but as time moves on that slice does not bleed anymore. But where is the person that we once knew? And will that person still remember us when we meet up with them once again? I just find it amusing how we are literally born dying. With each heartbeat subtracts a breath from our biological clock. Some live only short lives while others live long and prosperous. But why don’t we all live the same length? Why do we have to go through the pain of seeing a loved one die before us. Why can we never talk to that person again, or laugh with them again, or love them ever again. It’s cruel almost, to just take them away like that. Some people just don’t deserve to die. The ones you least expect are the ones that cut the deepest slice. Although time will heal that slice, the memories of them will always remain. But I’m thankful that they could leave this hell and their souls can rest in paradise.

Thinking of you Dad

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One Heart

The truth is, you and I, we have identical hearts. We both want the same things, we both want to feel loved, we both want to love. But I think you’re afraid to acknowledge how similar our hearts are. You’re scared. You’re scared because you know we’re meant to be and the thought of that, the thought that everything you want is right in front of you scares you to death. You can’t help it. You try your hardest to run away from it but it always has a way of catching up to you. I see right through you. I see right through that guard you try to put up, I see right through the strength you put out in order to resist the one thing you really want. But why? Why do this to yourself? Why act like you don’t want this when you know you really do? Is it because its me? Is it because you wish it was someone else? You have to deal with it though. What’s meant to be, is meant to be. Our hearts our linked and that’s a fact that cannot be avoided no matter how hard you try. Just let go of yourself and all your fears. Let faith takeover for a change. Take a deep breath. Let me love you.

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Dark Clouds

The sun used to shine so bright, so beautifully.
No day existed where the warmth of his rays didn’t engulf me.
So warm, so comforting; it felt so good.
But before too long, the domino effect of his love came crashing down
one after the other.
As his love tumbled, so did I
struggling to hold on because his wrath was just too hot.
My grip was loosened and it wouldn’t be long before it slipped all together.
But why does it have to be like this?
It used to all be so beautiful
Now all that remains is a broken heart on a dark, cloudy day.
Where’s the sun when you need it most?
Lost on a forgotten quest I would say.
As for me, I would never forget.
I would never forget what it feels like to be engulfed by his warmth
and to be receiver of his love.
I could never forget.
The days keep on growing darker, as the sun fails to shine.
But I never forget the bright rays of his love. Ever.
So maybe it’s true to say, my grip has slipped; but it hasn’t really slipped at all.
Because I am still here right? Opposing all other natural forces
My want for the sun will always be there.
I’m cold without his warmth but I haven’t forgotten what it feels like.
The memory is still fresh within the broken bits of artery.
He doesn’t realize that.
So caught up in his own glory
Selfish.
But that’s okay.
Because I know where that path will lead him.
It is certain that if his stance prevails, darker days are inevitable.
But I will be there, I promise to be there to show him the light
like he has to me.
Unknowingly, subconsciously.
He’s my light, my sun, my warmth, my love, my heart.
Nothing will ever change that.
Nothing.
Because I will always remember the days where the sun used to shine so bright, so beautifully.
I will always remember when the days used to feel okay.
And to remember that, I am instantly filled with hope.
Dark, cloudy days don’t last forever.

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Blood

Too much passion, and too much love fill her veins. Maybe that’s why she cries tears of blood. Streaming down her soft, delicate face, the blood drips slowly. Her eyes welt as she cries over something she will never understand fully. Listen closely, you might hear the sound of her heart as it cracks. Be gentle, for the slightest movement could make the whole thing shatter. Don’t bother asking what’s the matter, the girl with the tears of blood will never tell. She will never open up, she will just pretend to be tough. But don’t let it fool you, deep down inside she has feelings too. Look hard enough you might witness everything she withholds internally, disregard what’s visible on the surface, look past what she let’s be seen externally. She hurts. She cries these tears of blood as the passion rips through her so armored veins. This girl is crumbling. Piece by piece, her whole world is fumbling. She needs a savior to come to her rescue. But no one hears her call. She can’t take it anymore, she can’t take it all. She who cries tears of blood, who guards herself so perfectly, who pretends to be okay, is fighting a battle she just can’t win. The only thing left is to give up, giving up is no sin. It’s alright, everything will be fine, she says trying to reassure her self. But who is she reassuring as her alter go starts to melt. The walls she has enforced are slowly starting to burn down. As the embers fly away, so does everything that has made this girl feel sound. She’s done. Exhausted. Crying tears of blood.

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